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Alexis M. (she/her) is a former Looking Glass participant in two of our free and accessible Peer Support Programs: Personal Recovery Space and Online Peer Support Chats, as well as a recipient of our 2023 Reflections Scholarship.

We had the honour of sitting down with Alexis to speak with her firsthand about her journey to recovery, hope for the future, and the role that Looking Glass Foundation played in each. This Winter season, your donation is vital in sustaining and expanding our services to ensure that we can support more individuals like Alexis. 


 

[Looking Glass Foundation] Welcome, Alexis, and thank you for taking the time to chat with us! Why don’t we start out with you telling us a bit about yourself?

[Alexis M.] Thank you! I’m so glad to be here and to be able to share my story.

Throughout my life, I have been many things: a professional equestrian, an avid outdoorswoman, a runner, a competitive cyclist, and most recently, I have discovered a passion and solace in farming, where I help run 35 acres of Hereford cattle and other livestock in Yellow Point on Vancouver Island.

Along with all these accomplishments, it is vital to note that I have also spent over half of my life with a life-altering mental illness, struggling with anorexia nervous since the age of 14. I am now 35 years old.

Growing up adopted and not looking like the rest of my family left me with a missing piece of my puzzle – I never felt quite comfortable, though I did not know why. I now know it’s related to early-developmental trauma, from being separated from my biological mother, and having a highly sensitive empathic nature. Nevertheless, over the years, the discomfort manifested into an eating disorder and in 2015 I was hospitalized, beginning the most difficult three years of my experience with anorexia.

[LGF] How has Looking Glass impacted your personal recovery journey?

[Alexis] Along the way I have accessed many resources, the most effective of which has been the Looking Glass Peer Support Programs. I was a participant in both the Personal Recovery Space and weekly Online Peer Support Chats. I have also been blessed with an excellent therapist, which has been integral in helping me address the underlying issues that trigger anorexia.

This past September, with the support of the Looking Glass Reflections Scholarship, I have proudly returned to my educational journey and began the Bachelor of Science in Nursing program at Vancouver Island University, with a goal to work in geriatric or palliative care. Receiving the Reflections Scholarship certainly provided crucial financial relief, but far beyond that was the validation of an organization I have so much respect and pride for. Knowing that Looking Glass sees me, hears me, and has my back – there is no monetary value that can be placed on that feeling.

[LGF] What does recovery mean to you?

[Alexis] My experience of seeking recovery has been a decades-long process that has been anything but linear. I have a different take on the term “recovery”, and as an act of self-care, I prefer to use the word “remission”. It allows me the space to provide myself with self-compassion when thoughts that align with anorexia arise. I know that as time goes on, I am constantly picking up new skills and techniques to ensure that healthy thoughts of living free of an eating disorder matter more and are heard louder, but I think if I assume I’ve reached “health” the insipid voices and lies could somehow slide in amongst healthy thoughts and get a foothold.

My healing journey from anorexia has allowed me to develop a sense of self-efficacy and safety through feeling. It has provided me resilience through navigating my emotions, not simply masking those feelings altogether. I no longer get “stuck” in emotions because I get to feel all of them – they don’t always feel great, but I get to feel them. Through feeling, we can process and, ultimately, move forwards.

[LGF] What keeps you motivated?

[Alexis] The farm has been a game-changer. When I was released from the hospital into my parent’s custody on the farm, I was still having a difficult time improving my day-to-day quality of life. In fact, my weight slipped lower than ever and the suicidal thoughts that had led the psychiatrist to commit me to hospital in the first place were heightened. The lifestyle of the farm – the power of animals along with the connectivity and community felt – has been integral in my healing.

As someone who grew up with a family that I could not see myself in, I found profound comfort in meeting my biological grandfather in 2019. I saw him and thought this is me. It just made sense, for the first time in my life I looked at a member of my family and saw myself in them. Meeting him and discovering our likeness went far beyond skin tone – I saw parts of myself in him, including mannerisms and our shared faith that offered me a newfound sense of wholeness.

[LGF] What would you share with someone who is just embarking on their ED recovery journey?

[Alexis] You are not alone. You don’t have to tell everyone, but if you can find one person to tell – if one person can be there for you – that is huge. For me, it took quite a while to find that one person. That is where the Looking Glass Peer Support Programs are massively important. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy – it is hard to reach out but ripping that bandage off is the best thing I have ever done.

[LGF]What do you think people outside of the ED community should know about eating disorders?

[Alexis] You can’t judge people’s relationship with food and health based on how they look – you have no idea what someone is doing with (or without) food just based on appearance. Appearance is not an accurate judgement of how well or unwell an individual is, yet we are constantly making assumptions about how someone is based entirely on how they look.

At the height of my battle with anorexia and my own personal rock bottom, when I was admitted to hospital in 2015, I was still considered “healthy” according to the BMI chart. Someone who is naturally athletic will likely not be appropriately assessed with this tool but, really, nobody should be compared to a mere number. After hospital, I actively sought to be in the “underweight” BMI category. I managed it and, in doing so, seriously jeopardized my life; all for clinical recognition that I was not okay. Health is so much more than a number, as are each of us as individuals.


Alexis' story serves as a testament to the impact of Looking Glass Foundation's Peer Support Programs to help individuals feel supported and empowered on their healing journey.

These accessible programs are available to Canadian residents of all genders and are offered at no cost. No formal eating disorder diagnosis or referral is required.  

Explore our three safe, inclusive, non-judgmental Peer Support Programs here.

At Looking Glass Foundation, the impact of our organization relies heavily on the involvement of our community. We wouldn’t be where we are today with the ability to provide inclusive and accessible support to those affected by eating disorders without the dedication of our compassionate volunteers.  

We are pleased to have had the opportunity to connect with one of our peer support volunteers, Roxanne Fernandes (she/her) and ask her a few questions about her experience as a volunteer with Looking Glass in the Personal Recovery Space program.


[Looking Glass] What drew you to volunteer with the Looking Glass Foundation? 

[Roxanne F.] It had been a couple of years that I’d been reflecting over my journey with an eating disorder; the recovery process, the struggles, the ups and downs, the loneliness and truly how much it impacted my life for such a long time. I wanted to be able to provide any little bit of support that I could to anyone going through the same struggles, feeling like no one understands what they’re going through, and hopefully help in easing that feeling of loneliness a little bit. I did a quick search of anywhere in Vancouver that offered this, and the Looking Glass Foundation immediately struck me as a place I wanted to be a part of. The amount of different sources of support provided is incredible, and I truly wish I had had such a wonderful resource during my own recovery journey.  

[LGF] What is your favorite part of volunteering in the PRS program?  

[RF] One of my favorite parts of volunteering in the PRS program is becoming more aware of all the different types of people out there that are affected by eating disorders, and that everyone's individual journey can be so different from anyone else's. Having gone through an ED I feel it’s easy to imagine that everyone’s journey is the same as yours, but I love the reminder that it is not at all. I think this is mostly because I wish that people had had that certain awareness of my individual journey when I was going through it. This was definitely one of the biggest initial challenges for me after joining the program, but has also become my favorite part because it really makes me question certain preconceptions I may have and attempt to fully put myself into someone else’s shoes.  

[LGF] What would you share with someone who is embarking on their eating disorder recovery journey?  

[RF] This is such a tough question for me, because I feel when I was in that position it was so difficult to believe what people told me about recovery and that it is possible. I think the most important thing I could share would be to be kind to yourself. Recovery is not an easy, straight forward journey. If it were, people would easily be able to do it every single day and there would be no need for psychologists, therapists, or foundations like the Looking Glass. So be kind to yourself if you ever regress or fall back into habits you thought you’d overcome. One way I found that really helped in keeping focus on my recovery in moments when I just didn’t want to do it anymore, was finding a reason as to why I wanted to recover. It may sound super simple, and that the recovery in itself should be reason enough, however, unfortunately ED thoughts do not work that way sometimes. Finding a specific reason for which I needed to be healthy, personally for me it was so being able to work in a job I absolutely loved, really helped me keep my focus during the more difficult times.   

[LGF] Why do you volunteer? 

[RF] I volunteer because I know how lonely and scary an eating disorder can be, and that, in my experience there aren't many people out there to talk to that truly understand what it feels like. I wanted to be able to do something good with the hard times I went through. I wanted to be able to use my experience to maybe help make someone's a little less daunting and lonely.  

[LGF] What skills have you gained from volunteering with Looking Glass?  

[RF] I think I’ve always been a pretty good listener, but I truly think this skill has been honed so much more through my volunteering in the PRS program. Being able to read between the lines and really figure out what the participant needs from me right now. As mentioned earlier, I also think I’ve gotten better at not pre-judging a situation or person. I am now much better at approaching a situation with no preconceived ideas of how I think things should be handled, or what I think the participant wants. And again this comes back to listening; letting them tell me what they think they need, and supporting in the way they need when I can. With that same idea in mind, I have become much better at not wanting/needing to fix things. This was a big hurdle for me initially, as that is usually the route I take when helping people. However I have learnt to sit back and support, not fix

[LGF] What are your future plans and goals? Or do you have any hobbies or interests you’d like to share with us?  

[RF] Relating to the Looking Glass Foundation, I would eventually like to get involved with the Hand in Hand program, and maybe more involved in other ways in the future, but I’m not sure how yet. One thing I would love to focus more on is educating people out there on eating disorders, and how damaging and impactful certain comments, actions etc, that society deems “normal”, can be to someone silently suffering from an ED. Over the last couple of years I’ve started to realize more and more how people around me speak about their own and other peoples bodies, about weight, about eating habits, what the “should” and “shouldn’t” be eating. For people with no eating disorder this may seem trivial, and just a part of everyday, just what people talk about. But my mind goes to the people around us, who is listening and being impacted by these comments? I remember countless times during my journey being thrown back into some sort of relapse because of a comment like this made by someone with absolutely no awareness of what the repercussions would be. If I could help to bring that awareness to more people and make it a little easier for anyone going through an eating disorder, that would be a huge achievement for me.  

[LGF] What advice do you have for someone who is considering becoming an LGF volunteer?   

[RF] Do it! It is such a wonderful cause and foundation. If you are someone that is coming in with a history of ED, I would definitely say to ask yourself very seriously if you are ready to be a part of that world again, to deal with other people talking to you about the ED thoughts, the weigh ins, the calorie counting, and everything else that comes along. If any of this still triggers you in any way, then it may not be for you just yet. As I mentioned earlier, be ok with not “fixing” anyone. It is not about you solving all of the participants' issues, it is about them feeling heard and understood. 


Roxanne’s story serves as a testament to the immeasurable impact that volunteers can have in fostering change and creating a nurturing environment for healing and growth. 

Healing happens together. If you are interested in becoming a volunteer with Looking Glass Foundation,  learn more here.

 

By Kassie C.

I have been in recovery without relapse for a year now, which is a huge accomplishment but also can make a slip feel detrimental. 

I always used to say that I thrived in chaos, but now I need my life and mind to be more organized. I think thriving in chaos was what I said to mask the chaos I was feeling internally but on top of that, my lifestyle and career didn’t allow much room for consistency.  

This has since changed and I am at a point now where I have a routine - and you know what, for me, this routine has been pivotal in my recovery. I am a strong, empathic version of myself. I allow grace in the messiness of life and growth. However, I am entering a stage of my life for the next eight months that is very busy. Part of me is trying to channel that person who thrived in chaos because I don’t have an area of my life I can slip in. However, this also scares me because who I was when I as this busy last time wasn’t a stable person. I have learnt a lot about myself in the last year, but I am afraid that I will fall back into old habits or the amount I need to fit into my routine will not allow me to uphold the standard I have held myself to give me this growth. 

I am scared to lose this person. 

I think it would be naive of me to say that being scared is a bad thing, because it means I am cautious and mindful with my mental health and my relationship with food. The impact food had over me was very influenced by my emotions and more so my need to avoid whatever that emotion was. When I started working to name what I was trying to avoid it made it easier to process or work on coping skills that shone light into that darkness - it allowed me to find myself.  This is a lot easier now but sometimes it still feels like a fight to embrace this as a guiding light to keep me on this path and not a self-fulfilling prophecy that leads me astray. 

I have been feeling off the last couple weeks and writing this out is something I haven’t voiced to other people, which puts a face to the internal struggle I am having now. I don’t know how this phase will play out but I do know the trust I’ve built in myself is something I’ll have to rely on.  

Every part of recovery has its own challenges, but I think challenge in development is inevitable; although I can understand that these challenges are going to happen, predicting them is almost impossible until I’m dealing with them. Which takes away some of the predictably in my routine and where trusting myself becomes so important. 

Finding the capacity to trust yourself in something that you may have felt little control over in the past is all about working on your ability to understand your emotions and coping mechanisms and accepting the unpredictability that comes with embracing change, and the doubts that often accompany it. 


My name is Kassie C. I am in my late twenties and am trying to live what I preach - picking yourself first and that loving yourself really is the best medicine. It’s not always easy and it definitely is not always pretty but it’s real. I hope joining me on this journey will provide perspective, connection and solace. So, here’s to life because for good or bad we are all in it together :).

*Photo credits: Kassie C.

By Kassie C.

Why are we all so scared of the idea of being lost? 

I think a lot of the feelings around being lost come from comparison to other people or comparison to where we think we are supposed to be. A common understanding of feeling lost is being found and we define that when we have a path, a destination, a final point. Personally, I don’t think growth works like that. And when it does, I feel like it may be at the expense of part of our soul. When it comes to feeling like we are on the “right path”, we owe it to ourselves to question if it is of our own volition or a societal influence.  

I struggle with this concept because looking back at my life, when I have felt like I am on the “right path” to finding myself I often have ended up sacrificing something to stay there. 

I have had growing career success but sacrificed all my time. Because of my ED I have looked the way I always wanted to but sacrificed my mental health. I have been in partnerships that seemed like they were written in storybooks but I sacrificed myself.  

Maybe that’s the true conflict we are feeling - the sacrifice of parts of what makes us who we are to be somewhere or something that we think we should be.  

We often hold ourselves to standards that we do not put on the people we love. We can hate ourselves for being too human and we are often our own biggest critics.  

But the way we talk to ourselves matters. Learning to become my own biggest fan is what has led to the to most change in my life. I have to take myself on every journey I do and learning to love myself started with learning to tolerate myself which gave me the space to find out who I am without sacrificing something.

We live in a world where society often tells us we will never be enough, so having the confidence to be present in our decisions and be unabashedly proud of ourselves are radical qualities we should embrace in order to break down those societal norms.  

Glennon Doyle is a writer who has had integral influence on me in my journey. She once said Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” 

So, question everything, radically love yourself, be bold about it and don’t be afraid to disappoint others so at the end of the day, at the end of your life when you look in the mirror you are not disappointed in yourself. 


My name is Kassie C. I am in my late twenties and am trying to live what I preach - picking yourself first and that loving yourself really is the best medicine. It’s not always easy and it definitely is not always pretty but it’s real. I hope joining me on this journey will provide perspective, connection and solace. So, here’s to life because for good or bad we are all in it together :).

*Photo credits: Kassie C.

By Lisa Brooks, Executive Director

Looking Glass Foundation’s impact on the community is very personal to me.  Like many young people, one of my daughters developed an eating disorder early in the lockdown of COVID-19 when she lost her routines, connections through school and sports, and the freedom to see her friends.  Thankfully, we recognized what was happening early on, and were able to access the supports she needed. I am happy to say that she is now well on her way to recovery, but it has certainly been a long and difficult path.  

Accessing care was not an easy feat. I researched what support options were available in Vancouver, completed the referral form to the VCH Eating Disorder Program and met with our family doctor to have him sign and submit it – I wouldn’t take no for an answer. My husband and I both took a lot of time off work to get our daughter to medical appointments and to provide mealtime support at school.  Most importantly, in taking these steps towards recovery, our daughter recognized herself that she needed help. When she was able to access the ED Program, she was genuinely motivated to put in the work get better. With the comforting knowledge that she was supported in her recovery journey, she was willing and able to and actively engage with every member of her treatment team. 

As I reflect on the past 2 ½ years, I realize how many barriers there are to receiving help for eating disorder recovery - barriers that many families and individuals are not able to overcome.  The wait times for publicly funded eating disorder supports and treatments have never been longer. Our daughter waited 6 months, and the wait can now be as long as 12-14 months – and that is providing you have both a family GP and the capacity to navigate the referral process.  

When I was offered the opportunity to join the team at Looking Glass, I jumped at the chance. Our programs can be accessed without a referral or formal diagnosis, regardless of where the individual is in their recovery. At a time when the rate of people being affected by eating disorders continues to rise, I hope to use my personal and professional experience to work with the team to increase awareness about our programs, to continue to deliver exceptional programs and to help more individuals and their families. 


By Ethel Wai

As the year creeps to an end, the holiday spirits are lifted through colourful lights and winter wonders. This time of cheer also coincides with the hectic hustle of gift planning, family gatherings and social festivities. As eventful as they may be, the rush often gets in the way of self-care.   Personally, whenever December rolls around, I often struggle with being present in the moment. My mind becomes a to-do list, where there are endless boxes to tick off every hour of the day. From buying the right gift boxes to making sure the tableware is clean enough to present on Christmas Eve, it becomes difficult to spare some alone time and recharge. 

To promote the importance of self-care, here are a few simple things you can do to catch a break during the hectic holidays:

 

1) Make it cozy:

Comfort is key when it comes to quality personal time. If you have to sit down to do some errands, light up a fresh scented candle, make yourself a peppermint mocha, and play your favourite tunes to lighten the load of responsibilities.

2) Find peace in the morning:

Start your busy day off on a good note by taking some time to refresh your conscience. Meditate, stretch, or journal your thoughts to let go of pent-up stress and brighten your senses for the day ahead!

3) Treat yourself:

We all deserve a little something extra in our lives. This could look like an extra scoop of ice cream for dessert or watching a TV show you’ve been eyeing. Incorporating small joys throughout the day is a great way to live in the moment.

4) Wind down at night:

Take a couple of minutes to add some calming nighttime activities to your routine. This can look like reading a book, drinking tea in your bathtub or cuddling with your pets. Relax and end your day off unbothered.

5) Sleep:

No matter what happens throughout the day, do your best to get enough sleep. The recommended amount is 6-8 hours but don’t be afraid to sleep in every now and then if your body and mind need it!

Taking time for yourself this holiday season does not always need to be an elaborate act, it can be simple and meaningful moments that fit well into your schedule. After all, self-care is all about doing things that make you feel the best.


About The Blogger:

Hello, my name is Ethel and I’m writing from Vancouver! Coming from a background in marine biology, I notice how our lives are just as fluid as the ocean. Things come and go like waves, but at the end of the day, it all comes together to make something vast and beautiful. My hope is to encourage everyone to become the best version of themselves and recognise the small successes in their everyday lives. Here’s to celebrating the little things in life!

By Alyssa*

     I have been a participant in the Hand in Hand program at Looking Glass since 2019.  As for many, my shift into disordered eating was a gradual one. I don’t remember a specific point that I decided to begin restricting. I don’t remember when the one hour a day at the gym turned into three or when I could account for every calorie that passed my lips. By the time COVID hit my doctor had scheduled me for biweekly ECGs because of my dangerously low pulse My doctor gave me two options: involving Looking Glass: I could sign up for one of the peer support programs offered by Looking Glass Foundation or she would begin the paperwork to have me admitted me into their residential care program. I begrudgingly filled out my application to the Hand in Hand program and was quickly matched with my incredible peer mentor.

     The relationship with a peer mentor in particular is unique because it provides a sense of openness and connection, without having to be guarded against the potential emotional reactions that can occur with friends or family members. There are many of us who have not felt safe or comfortable being open about our challenges with eating with our loved ones. With a peer mentor there is liberation in the fact that from the very beginning, everything is laid bare. A peer mentor provides an opportunity to openly discuss experiences, without hesitation or judgement.

     Such a relationship, once developed, is hard to replicate. I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am to have been able to continue working with Looking Glass for so long. The main reason that this has been possible is that their services are completely free to participants – had this not been the case, I would never have been able to consider it. The second is the incredible flexibility of the programs – once the pandemic hit, program coordinators were able to quickly move things online, which allowed services to continue uninterrupted and not be dependent on volunteers and participants being in the same city. This has afforded individuals from across the province the ability to access high-quality services, and make connections that would not have otherwise been possible. Finally,  unlike almost most other programs, there is no limit on the number of sessions. The peer mentoring relationship can continue as long as it is needed. Given that recovery from eating disorders can be a lifelong process, to be secure in the knowledge that there is ongoing support is an inexpressible relief. 

I can’t talk about my recovery without talking about my peer mentor. Time and time again, she has gone above and beyond what could ever have been asked or expected of her: she has provided comfort, compassion, and a sense of true connection that has been both unique and unmatched with any other person in my life. She has endless patience and has never once doubted me. As I move through recovery, she has been my tireless supporter: celebrating my accomplishments and helping me push forward through my setbacks. My peer mentor has helped me understand so many of the elements of recovery that have brought me to the place I am now. I can truly say that I would not be where I am today without her continued and unfaltering support. 

     Something unexpected that has come from my experience with Looking Glass is the ability to pass on some of the knowledge and support I have received. Earlier this year I recommended the Hand in Hand Program to my mother who has always struggled with food and body image. The morning she was scheduled to have her first meeting with her volunteer, she called me in tears – she was so frightened and ashamed at the thought of discussing her struggles with food. After the meeting, she called me back, again in tears – but this time from the relief of having been able to unburden herself to someone who had shared so many of her thoughts and experiences.  

     It is not an exaggeration to say that Looking Glass can be the difference between life and death for some participants. Disordered eating remains minimized, sidelined, and denigrated, sometimes even by those we love. The programs at Looking Glass help break through that sense of isolation and provide services that remind participants that we are not broken, we are not damaged, and that we are not alone.   


*Name has been changed. Images are stock photos.

By Kassie C.

I recently listened to a podcast discussing personality types and Neel Burton’s theory of the differentiation between self-confidence and self-esteem. He believed that self-confidence is one’s trust in their abilities and themselves to succeed where as self-esteem is understanding one’s worth. Burton quoted that “Growth depends on bravely living up to our ideals, not on the ideals of the bank that we work for, or our parents’ praise, or our children's successes, or anything else that is not truly our own”. This concept really resonated with me reflecting on my life, my relationship with my ED and the growth I’ve had into the person I am now.

When I was in the heaviest points of my ED, I had all the self-confidence in the world. I was moving up in my career, I knew I was really good at my job, I had good relationships with friends, family and was presenting as a very put together person. On the other hand, my self-esteem was very lacking; I didn’t value myself, so I didn’t expect others too. I was seeing men who I didn’t let treat me very well, I was letting bosses dictate my time, I was punishing myself with distorted eating behaviours, and prioritizing unhealthy choices over sleep, activity and self care.

It took me a long time to realize how little I understood my worth. I have always been complemented on being a confident person - things that make other people uncomfortable, I thrive in. I moved almost every 6 months for about a decade, being in rooms with strangers gave me energy, I loved job interviews and public speaking. I think this really comes from the fact that if I stayed somewhere for a short amount of time my self-confidence would be what left the mark and hopefully no one would realize how low my self-esteem was.

Looking back now, maybe I was moving so much not to hide my darkness from those around me, but to hide it from myself. I have said before in these blogs that I didn’t know how bad my mental health was, acknowledge my ED or understand the impact they had on each other until much more recently in my life. I was so used to my baseline being unwell that it is what I thought normal was.

I think people get so wrapped up in validation from others that we forget to validate ourselves. I have really dug into my ED recovery over the last year and recently went back to a city I lived in for a wedding with people who I love but who had met me when I wasn’t in a good place mentally. It was triggering. I had the memories of the way I was in the mindset of who I am now; but walking those streets made me realized how much of the bad I blocked out of those memories. But this was also so unbelievably rewarding: I got to be around my people and a place I wanted to love but didn’t have the space to before. Being back there now allowed me to be able to be there fully. I believe that the development of understanding your worth, is one of the biggest areas of growth in ED recovery because it is getting to a place where the decisions you are making are to better yourself, not restrict yourself. I don’t have ton of advice about how to do this because it is different for everyone, but I think that achieving self-esteem comes in little changes and one day you realize you feel lighter and looking back you can see little moments where this began to happen.


My name is Kassie C. I am in my late twenties and am trying to live what I preach - picking yourself first and that loving yourself really is the best medicine. It’s not always easy and it definitely is not always pretty but it’s real. I hope joining me on this journey will provide perspective, connection and solace. So, here’s to life because for good or bad we are all in it together :).

*Photo credits: Kassie C.

By Kassie C.

*Trigger warning: Please be aware that this blog mentions the concept of death as it relates to the theory of existentialism. 

There are many theories of how to view life. I like learning and understanding why I am the way I am through different perspectives: I keep the parts I connect with to create a compilation of ideas that feel unique to me. This week, I am looking through the lens of Existentialism to understand myself.  

Existentialism acknowledges all human experiences, how those experiences create a person and how we relate to the world. It is not concerned about personality rules or types or the division of the self; it addresses the person as a whole being. 

Existentialism deems there are fours ways of being in the world and all can occur simultaneously: existing in ones own subjective world, existing within relationships, existing in the physical environment with all living beings and finally, existing in spiritual beliefs about the ideal world. 

Existential theory believes that people have an inner struggle between freedom and responsibility; that people are driven by the need to find meaning, value, identity, and have productive relationships. If all are successfully achieved, the individual becomes self-aware, creates self-actualization, and develops their authentic self. Existentialism’s goal is to become ones most authentic self which increases the way people relate to the world.  

People are meant to exist; therefore, fears are biased around their ability to not be able to do this. Fear impacts individual choice; people fear of isolation, meaninglessness, lack of stable fulfilling relationships, guilt, emptiness, and finally death. 

Existentialism views anxiety in particular ways as well. Anxiety is normal and leads an individual to live fully and authentically. Many of life’s choices and situations produce some amount of anxiety because anxiety is a signal that a psychological challenge needs to be resolved; anxiety is normal and healthy. However, it becomes unhealthy when anxiety occurs in an inappropriate time or becomes disproportionate to the situation. Over anxiousness can occur when anxiety has been repressed. 

 

Existentialism and ME  

When we break people down, we see a lot of the same driving forces: acceptance, success, meaningful relationships, impact, which also means fears follow the same patterns. I think Existentialism is liberating because it shows us how to connect through finding ways to ease our own fears, which in turn does this to those around us.  

Reading through the theory of existentialism, I understand it but as I am working through my Eating disorder, I am finding contradictions to my personal beliefs. Up until quite recently I have always dealt with thoughts of death, I had always connected to my darkness, in some sense’s I had befriended it. I am in a different place now then I have been as long as I can remember, and to be honest it is not the idea of not existing that impacts me, it is being in a place now where I see a future that is overwhelming. I have let my eating disorder take up so much of my mind, personality and future that I never really thought about how I would feel without it. Most of the time it feels so good; to be alone in peace, or with friends and have room in my mind to actually laugh, engage in conversation and critically think about everything other then what’s on or not on my plate; it’s so freeing. But then again, it’s challenging because I am trying to understand who I am and what other parts of myself I can now become friends with that I ignored for so long.  

There is this perception that fixing an issue will fix the whole problem. I don’t think that’s the case. Fixing an issue gives you moments of freedom but it also creates more time to work on other difficulties impacting the problem. People are complex, eating disorders come from years of development and are found in layers of who we are. This is not meant as discouraging, this is meant as liberating. Yes, there is always a challenge to overcome, but new challenges mean progress from the last challenge and that you are building the skills to help yourself, to really get to know yourself - and hopefully learning to love yourself. 

References 

Wedding, D., & Corsini, R. J. (Eds.). (2019). Current psychotherapies (11th ed.). Boston, MA: Cengage. 


My name is Kassie C. I am in my late twenties and am trying to live what I preach - picking yourself first and that loving yourself really is the best medicine. It’s not always easy and it definitely is not always pretty but it’s real. I hope joining me on this journey will provide perspective, connection and solace. So, here’s to life because for good or bad we are all in it together :).

*Photo credits: Kassie C.

By Amanda G.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned while recovering from my eating disorder was how harmful negative self-talk can really be, and how to shift that into a more positive light. It hit me hardest during treatment that the relationship with myself is the longest, most intimate one I’ll ever have. I am my longest best friend, and I deserve to talk to myself that way. Do you struggle a lot with negative self talk like I did? I remember being so cruel, crueller than any critics, even crueller than my harshest bullies. It’s akin to being bullied, by someone who can never escape. Eating disorders thrive when we’re trapped. It’s almost like they guard a secret passage to freedom and will only let us through as long as we obey and honour the disorder.

 

To break the cycle, it might resonate with you to check in with yourself and literally break your thought. For example, if you’re having a negative thought about yourself, interrupt yourself the way you would want to interrupt someone rude. Ask yourself why you’re saying or thinking these things, practice standing up for yourself - to yourself. It’s a hard skill. It’s not nearly as easy as typing it out makes it seem to be. I hear you. There are times when the self-criticism is so automatic, so ingrained into my everyday way of living, I forget how to interrupt it and replace the thought with ones that are more forgiving. That’s what lead me to “go-to thoughts” which I’ll soon explain.

 

First, one of my therapists first encouraged me to create a mantra. This would become something I was to repeat to myself when I couldn’t think of anything nice to say about myself, and what all I wanted to do was engage in eating disorder behaviours, and listen to everything the disorder was telling me to do. I came up with “I deserve to be healthy.” It’s seemingly simple, but something I never told myself prior to that. I had this belief that I never deserved anything good, so at first it was daunting to tell myself that I did. But it got easier with practice!

 

As I went through my recovery, even to this day, I remembered how that mantra had helped me. Then I thought of another technique I could use. I could think of this negative self talk as a conversation. A conversation with a friend. For every negative thought I had, I pictured myself talking to a friend, which grounded me into realizing that I would never ever talk to a friend the way I talk to myself. That’s lead me into giving myself pep talks quite often. I find myself doing it quite regularly now after lots of practice. I do it when I’m feeling extra anxious before a school or work day, or when I’m trying something new, particularly something physical. My “go-to thoughts” typically include telling myself that I can do hard things, or that my anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. “I deserve to be healthy” still remains one of my favourites, so much so that I’m actually thinking of getting it tattooed one day.

 

It’s also worth noting that all your thoughts don’t have to be super positive. You can just be neutral with yourself, and still encouraging. You can accept that you’re sad, angry, or anxious, and even tempted to engage in eating disorder behaviours, and tell yourself that its okay to not be okay. Self forgiveness is so powerful. I sometimes (though less and less often with practice) blame myself for my struggles. Demanding myself to be “normal”. What even is normal anyways? I guarantee you, if normal is anything but a societal and social construct, normal is to be human, and being human is to fluctuate in emotions.

 

Through my recovery I had help making goals towards self-compassion. This really resonated with me and may do the same for others as well; to make goals to meet in a determined amount of time, such as coming up with 1-3 mantras in one week. I have a goal right now to be able to compassionately talk myself through a panic attack. Be easy on yourself throughout the recovery process. Self-compassion is a hard skill, but it’s definitely an important one.


Hello, my name is Amanda! I'm a writer from Vancouver, and I've been in recovery for over 7 years now. I'm volunteering with Looking Glass because I love the idea of supporting others through their recovery, as well as finding support when I need it as well. I'm really looking forward to sharing my thoughts and my work; writing is a huge passion of mine.

Self-Compassion

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