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Advice by Kaela: Is There Really A Hierarchy of Eating Disorders?

By Kaela Scott

Q: I struggle with binge eating disorder but when I talk to people everyone tells me my disorder isn’t as bad or as serious as other people who struggle with anorexia and bulimia. Is there really a hierarchy of eating disorders?

A: So often individuals who struggle with eating disorders compare themselves to others who struggle and often are left feeling as though their pain isn’t as significant or important as others. There is a belief both with sufferers and the general population that eating disorders are hierarchical with typical anorexia at the top and binge eating at the bottom. This is incredibly destructive for many reasons the primary one being that it causes people to suffer for longer than they should because they minimize their own pain. Below are 3 more reasons why believing this is so destructive:

• • It interferes with one’s ability to recover. Not only does this send the message that those with anorexia are the most sick, it also tends to tell sufferers and others that there is a hierarchy in terms of who is most worthy of help and treatment.

• • It both prevents and delays individuals from seeking help when they need it and causes them to suffer much longer than they have to. This belief can cause individuals to suffer in silence longer as the signs of their eating disorder go unnoticed at best or normalized at worst (both by themselves and by the people in their lives). Getting people who struggle with eating disorders to seek treatment is challenging enough. If the belief is that their disorder isn’t serious because they don’t fit the description for typical anorexia, it makes the process of receiving support and believing they deserve it that much more difficult.

• • It simply isn’t true. All eating disorders are mental health disorders that have serious complications and cause a significant amount of pain. The more we try to rank eating disorders in terms of severity the more we minimize each individual’s experience. It perpetuates the isolation individuals experience instead of helping them to realize they are not alone.

Instead of treating or seeing eating disorders as existing within a hierarchy we want to approach all sufferers with the compassion and seriousness they deserve. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, be sure to reach out and seek support. We at the Looking Glass Foundation are here to help, wherever you may be in your recovery journey.

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Kaela Scott is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in Eating Disorders. She runs her own private practice and works with the Looking Glass Foundation in both their summer camp and their Hand In Hand Program. She has been passionate about working with eating disorders since freeing herself from her own struggle and realizing what it is like to be happy and well. When she isn’t working, you can find Kaela either cozying up with a cup of tea and her friends or up in the mountains going for a hike. 

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April 23rd – 29th is National Volunteer Week!

As the Looking Glass Volunteer Coordinator, it makes my heart soar to see volunteers all across Canada being recognized and celebrated during National Volunteer Week! Volunteers give so much more than just their time: they give their passion, their drive, and their spirit. At the Looking Glass Foundation, our volunteers make it possible for us to offer the kind of meaningful support that can have such a profound impact on eating disorder sufferers, their families, and their communities – programs that simply could not happen without the generosity of volunteers.

I know that all of this is true, because I work with Looking Glass volunteers every day. I hear their stories, and I learn about their motivations and their hope for a world without eating disorders. Some of our volunteers have found their own recovery with the support of Looking Glass programs, and they want a chance to give back. Or, they recognize that our programs could have helped them or a loved one with a past eating disorder struggle, and they are seeking an opportunity to provide that kind of support today. Others come to us simply because they can see that the Looking Glass is a powerful agent of positive change in the field of mental health, and they want to be a part of that change. These are the kinds of people who volunteer with LGF: compassionate, inspiring, everyday heroes.

Being a volunteer pretty much means doing a good thing, and not getting paid for it. And yet, every single week I’m signing up fresh new volunteer recruits who are eager to step up out of the goodness of their hearts to help us implement LGF’s essential eating disorder support services! The Looking Glass hosts a diverse community of over 500 volunteers – and it’s growing all the time. It is my absolute privilege to be able to work with this population, in a job that is built entirely upon the generosity of others, and to fill the Looking Glass volunteer programs with the most wonderful humans. Humans who are willing to challenge themselves, and to tap into their own innate resilience in order to build up someone else’s. Whether it’s through Online Peer Support, Summer Camp, Hand in Hand, Blogging, Social Media, Gala & Events, or Youth Engagement, our volunteers are putting themselves out there and showing the world that there is such a thing as getting to the other side of eating disorders.

Of course, Looking Glass volunteers deserve more than just a week of gratitude and accolades for their contributions, but National Volunteer Week does present the perfect opportunity to shine the spotlight on some of our own dedicated volunteers! All through April 23^rd – 29^th, we will be posting and sharing special profiles of our volunteers in a social media campaign. Feel free to join in using the hashtags #NVW2017 and #LGFVolunteers, and share your own memories, photos, video clips, and experiences. To submit a volunteer profile, just send an email to katalina@lookingglassbc.com with your responses to the following questions:

• Your name
• A photo of you (optional)
• The LGF program(s) you volunteer with
• Why do you volunteer?
• What inspired you to get involved with the Looking Glass?
• What impact has volunteering for the Looking Glass had on you?
• What does it mean to you to be able to give back to this community?

The Looking Glass reserves the right to edit for length and clarity, but we will share every volunteer profile that is submitted between now and April 29^th!

On behalf of the Foundation’s staff, Board, donors, and program recipients: THANK YOU for all that you do.

Happy National Volunteer Week, everyone!

Katalina Bernards,

Volunteer Coordinator

 
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Kat recently graduated from Simon Fraser University with a degree in Psychology, and is thrilled to have joined the Looking Glass Foundation staff. She loves live music, theatre, writing, and singing when no one is listening.

By Kendra Coleman

I want to talk about something we don’t discuss enough. I want to talk about shame.

Shame. It’s definitely not the most pleasant sounding word is it?

If shame were an image, what would it look like? Dose it conjure a specific picture for you? A memory of a past experience? Perhaps, it conjures nothing. Any and all reactions to shame (seeing it, hearing it, feeling it) are normal, because shame elicits various responses across different situations from different people. I know that shame causes me discomfort, and it has been my experience that talking about shame is so important when we are struggling with an eating disorder or moving toward recovery. It is always important. Because of this, I think it is especially important to discuss it here.

So here we go. Let’s talk about shame.

To start us off, It’s important that we talk about what shame is and is not. First of all, shame is not synonymous with guilt. Guilt requires action. Guilt is feeling, in the aftermath of an action, that we have done something bad. It is action based. Shame on the other hand goes a bit deeper. It is feeling that we are bad. Shame is not about our explicit actions. It informs of us of our value. Because of this, shame can be extremely debilitating, especially when we are struggling. Without being resolved, it chips away at our self worth. It can make us feel inferior to others, and feel unworthy of help, health and recovery. Shame fosters helplessness, a feeling that we already so often feel when we are struggling with an eating disorder.

Having set a common point of reference, it’s important to understand the feedback loop involved in feeling and coping with this emotion. As I have learned in my own life, the shame cycle is unavoidable. Shame begets shame. Shame drives secrecy, and secrets keep us sick.

As I have learned in my own life, the shame cycle is unavoidable. Shame begets shame. Shame drives secrecy, and secrets keep us sick.

Let’s look at the shame cycle and it’s consequences:

When we engage in eating disorder behaviours, we feel horrible about ourselves. We’re bombarded with thoughts that make us feel unworthy, bad and inferior. Rather than talk about these uncomfortable emotions, we hide them because it seems to be the only viable option. We do this to preserve our dignity, and our secrets. Because exposing our shame, and the negative thoughts we’re experiencing seems impossible. We do not want other people to think of us differently. We don’t believe that we will be accepted if we speak openly about our struggle. So, we hide our feelings, keeping our thoughts to ourselves, and the shame we feel increases. Our shame builds and drives us back to eating disorder behaviours to cope…. and the cycle of shame and engaging continues.

Now, let’s think of an alternative scenario to this shame cycle. Instead of closing ourselves off and hiding our shame, what would happen if we talked about it? How would this scene play out if we were to reach out to just one person? At the very least, it would delay engaging again. Best-case scenario, it would provide us with a sense of comfort, and understanding. It would diminish our shame.

Through my own experience and guidance from others, I found the counterpart to shame: exposure. Certainly, the idea of revealing our fears, thoughts and behaviours is a daunting prospect. It is especially difficult when so much of an eating disorder is shrouded in secrecy. But it is so essential to open up, seek comfort and have our self worth validated. What we need in moments of shame most is to know that we are valued, and deserving of love, kindness and recovery. Exposure serves as proof that, even in our darkest moments, we are understood and valued. We are worthy of being heard and held. It provides us with an alternative to engaging. It helps to separate us, and our feelings from the eating disorder.

My personal experience with overcoming shame came in the form of owning my story. My primary source of shame was my eating disorder itself. I felt shameful about how much I was struggling. I felt I should be able to recover on my own. It took a very long time for me to realize that not talking about my thoughts and feelings was impeding my recovery. This is why I write this today, in hopes that I can share my experience and provide both concrete reasons to open up to others as well as proof that talking about shame helps.

My eating disorder was a very private and secret part of my life. Only through continual exposure, and reminders from friends, members in my community and family was I able to distinguish myself from my eating disorder, the truth about my value from my shame. I exposed the shame I felt about my struggle repeatedly and, while at first it was painful, it was absolutely worth it. Exposing my shame, owning my story and standing in my truth was a crucial component in my recovery. Now, I continue to confront my shame in recovery by talking about my experience with others and reaching out when I need support. It is an ongoing process, and a really important step toward health.

Of course, difficult emotions are inevitable in life and in the recovery process, however learning to embrace and tolerate these emotions is key. Shame is one of the more tricky ones, because the necessary outlet is the exact opposite of what we want to do. It requires us to be courageous, reach out, and speak openly about what we are trying most to keep hidden.

So, here are a few tips for embracing, and tolerating shame:

• Identify the source: It is important to understand why we feel shame, so that we can express it and have our worth validated. There may be multiple sources. There may be just one, but it must be identified. Therapy can be extremely helpful in this respect as oftentimes we simply may not know the source of our shame. We may just feel it. Here, It can be extremely beneficial to reach out to a professional in the community.

• Expose it: This is a difficult step to take, so let’s break it down a bit:

- Start with journaling. If the idea of opening up to someone is too overwhelming, break out the old pen and paper. I was extremely skeptical about journaling in my own life, and it proved to be an invaluable asset when I feared the vulnerability required of me to be completely honest about my illness and experiences with others. Your journal is a neutral, non-judgmental outlet. Getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper in a safe space is a great preliminary step toward vocalizing your needs and feelings.

-Find someone to talk to. While journaling is a great step, ultimately shame requires comfort and validation. It requires us to be vulnerable with others. It requires a response. It demands knowing that we are accepted, understood and valued. Only though this process, can we truly begin to know that the things we feel shameful about do not define us. That shame is just an emotion, not a truth, because we are valued. We are good people.

-You may have just one or a few key people in your life in which you confide. If so, this would be a great place to start. If not, it is time to find someone! It may be a sibling, friend, or other family member. It may be your therapist, a teacher or other trusted member in your community. It could be an online peer support. We need people in our corner. We need people on our team with whom we feel safe and supported.

-It is completely normal to feel uncomfortable. Exposing, and talking about shame is extremely challenging. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my own life. It still is. It requires courage, trust and motivation. Courage to open up to others. Trust in the ability of others to both listen and validate your experiences. And motivation to do it over and over again, to continue talking about the shame we feel.

• Know that you are not alone in your shame. Shame is a universal emotion, and there is a reason that everyone feels it at some point or another. Through vulnerability and intimacy it drives us toward authentic connection. We only reveal shame and seek understanding from those who are closest to us. In this way, shame and its counterpart, exposure, can also be beautiful and intimate. But it takes a brave leap to get there.

• Practice, practice, practice! While shame will never feel comfortable to expose and talk about, opening up to others becomes easier over time. This is where motivation is crucial. We have to be motivated to reduce our shame in order to continue to engage in a process that is inherently uncomfortable. We have to believe that someone is there on the other side of it with a kind, listening ear. It may be helpful to have an ongoing friend, sibling, parent or therapist check in with you about certain issues that cause you to feel shame. With practice we learn to recognize when we feel shame and, equipped with this knowledge, we can proceed to seek out the counterpart of shame: exposure and vulnerability.

This journey of acknowledging, accepting and exposing our shame can be a scary one. However, it it is though discomfort that we grow. We must trust that others want and will be there for us. And even if we’re uncomfortable, the destination is worth the journey. Take the first step with me.

Kendra is currently completing her BA in psychology at the University of British Columbia, and is a research assistant with the UBC Sexual Health Laboratory. She is a past resident of the Looking Glass Residence and is passionate about sharing her insight and experience with others. Now in recovery, Kendra is open about her struggle battling anorexia and bulimia. She hopes to be a support and ally to those who are suffering while also working to reduce the stigma around mental illness. Her passions include violin, spin class, academics, beach walks with her dog, and chatting over coffee with close friends. 

On March 31st, we hosted our 13th Annual Fundraising Gala. What a magical night it was. Over 330 guests joined us at the Rocky Mountaineer Station for this spectacular event. The theme, Making Magic Happen, flowed throughout the evening – from the decor, to the words of our speakers and volunteers, and the roving magicians who took guests by surprise with their tricks!

Our Executive Director Stacey Huget was the emcee for the night. "The magic of recovery really is possible," she said. "It's possible because of the people who care deeply, who reach out to give, who say I can help." That is the impact our LGF community is having, that's the magic we're helping to make happen.

Stacey was joined on stage by PHSA Program Director Raymond Boutet, who gave a moving speech about the magic that happens in the Looking Glass Residence. "As soon as you’re old enough to come here, you should," he said, in quoting one of the residents. "It can be impossible to recover on your own. This place can work miracles." 

One of the highlights of the evening was our guest speaker, Bethany Borkowski. She bravely took the stage to share her own personal story of recovery. From the dark place it took her, to the magic she's experienced since getting to the other side. Bethany had this to say about her time at the Looking Glass Residence, "I can say for certain that I wouldn’t be standing here today if it were not for the generosity, passion, and hope you all offer to this cause. Because of the Looking Glass, I have gained my life back. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way."

The talented Howard Blank was back this year to lead the rousing live auction and Fund-a-Need. Returning to the stage, the Moon Coin Show Band gave a danceable performance that had everyone one on their feet.

"We are just so humbled by the generosity and support of our amazing donors," Stacey said following the Gala, "I hope they appreciate just how grateful we are – not just for the difference they are helping us to make for people suffering from eating disorders, but for how moved we are by their belief in us."

Together, we raised $450,000 in support of services for people affected by eating disorders. We couldn't have done it without our community who care so deeply for those who are suffering from this tragic disease.

Thank you!

Photos courtesy of All Things Crystal Photography 

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TELUS & LGF: Give Where You Live

By Nicole Keay

The numbers of Canadians, youth and adults, with eating disorders are on the rise. With at least 1.5 million affected, the importance of fostering a community who cares couldn’t be more crucial.

The LGF community is built on individuals whose lives have been touched by the tragedy of this disease. Whether it was their own personal struggle, or the struggle of someone close to them; they know the pain and suffering first-hand.

But it isn’t just individuals who have stepped forward in support. It’s corporations who give generously to our innovative approaches to prevention, early intervention and support. It’s corporations who understand that with help, recovery IS possible, and they are contributing to the magic of making it happen.

It’s corporations like TELUS.

Since our partnership began in 2010, TELUS has been a proud supporter with its generous, multi-year Platinum Sponsorship of our annual fundraising Gala, as well as its in-kind donation of technology services.

We recently sat down with our TELUS Senior Community Investment Manager, Erin Fawcett to talk more about our connection, eating disorders, and how our relationship continues to reflect the TELUS philosophy – give where you live!

Why does TELUS continue to support the Looking Glass Foundation?

The LGF is obviously a cause that speaks for itself in terms of its value. TELUS truly believes the future is friendly and who is our future? Youth. So focusing on them and their health is what will help us deliver our promise. 

What is it about eating disorders specifically that TELUS sees as worthy of funding?

We are seeing an increasing number of youth falling victim to eating disorders and it’s a tragedy we can’t ignore. Supporting organizations that provide innovative programs that help build self-esteem, provide early-intervention, support and prevent these illnesses align with our own health initiatives.

Our TELUS Health teams have been working for over a decade to tackle the challenges facing our healthcare system. We’ve invested more than $1.6 billion to bring patient-centered solutions to market and our newly formed Consumer Health team will empower Canadians to take control of their health with the information, tools and technology they need to live happier and healthier lives.

We agree Erin! Whether it’s youth who are affected, or men and woman of any age, eating disorders are a serious illness that can’t be ignored. It’s an illness that strips daring, intelligent minds of their worth, their passions, and their hope. Bright, full lives quickly fill with darkness. By growing our community, creating meaningful dialogue, we allow for an openness and acceptance that encourages sufferers to find their voice and to speak out and ask for help.

[dt_quote type="pullquote" layout="left" font_size="big" animation="none" size="4"]We are seeing an increasing number of youth falling victim to eating disorders and it’s a tragedy we can’t ignore. Supporting organizations that provide innovative programs that help build self-esteem, provide early-intervention, support and prevent these illnesses align with our own health initiatives.[/dt_quote]

The stigma that accompanies eating disorders and mental health is a big factor in why so many stay silent. How does TELUS support their own employees who may be struggling with mental health issues?

TELUS has a wealth of resources available to support our team members:

• There are six TELUS Resource Groups that exist to help build a culture of inclusiveness at work so that our team members feel welcome and supported in their workplace. Of these, Connections, our women’s network and Spectrum, our LGBTQ network are two that standout to me as vital channels of support for team members that may be struggling with mental illness.

• The People & Culture team is also a source of support. Financial assistance for practitioners is available to employees but resource support is also available to help employees connect with practitioners

• Our “Work Styles” program is another. Team members are encouraged to work with their leaders to develop their own flexible work schedule to meet the needs of both their work and personal lives. The ability to work from home offers the flexibility to spend more time with family, book doctors’ appointments during the day and generally stay more active and healthier.

As mental health awareness grows, how will TELUS emerge as a leader in supporting mental health initiatives?

Our TELUS health team is developing some very exciting new patient-centered solutions in the coming year that will help better connect consumers with their pharmacists and doctors and be in control of their own healthcare needs.

How does TELUS encourage their employees to get involved in their communities and local charities?

Again, we are given a great deal of options to help give where we live:

• TELUS Match: TELUS will match donations made by our team members to registered charities up to $2500

• Volunteer Rewards: for every hour our team members volunteer, TELUS will donate $1 to the charity of their choice

• TELUS Days of Giving: We work with our local community partners to build a wide variety of activities (gardening, painting, food sorting, etc.) and from May 13-June 11, TELUS encourages team members to invite their family and friends to volunteer with them to support their community.

• Our new volunteer platform allows employees to directly connect with these community partners year-round to support as needed

We love that TELUS not only gives back but also encourages their employees to really get involved at the community level. We’ve seen how fruitful this philosophy can be and look forward to encouraging even more community engagement in the years to come.

We’re truly grateful for the spirit and philosophy and generosity of organizations like TELUS. It really does matter. It really does help give hope and support to so many who need it. Thank you!

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Calorie Labels: A Symptom Of A Disordered Culture?

By Jordi Sutton

Calories have been in the news.

As of January 1^st 2017, many major restaurant chains in Ontario are now required to post calorie counts beside their menu items, and perhaps not surprisingly, everyone seems to have an opinion about that.

As I was flipping through the comment section of one news article, I was taken aback by the vehemence of the remarks: some people fiercely accused the government of “nanny state” practices, others angrily argued that it was only right that restaurant owners be held accountable for what they put in their food, and others, who found the information helpful when deciding what to have for lunch, were annoyed that it hadn’t happened sooner.

I was affected by the news too—it touched a very raw place in my heart. So I left a comment of my own. “We are all”, I said, “terribly concerned about the epidemic of health problems related to people being overweight and inactive—and there is cause for concern—but have we considered the problem of eating disorders? This, too, is an epidemic”, I wrote, “and those unavoidable numbers beside menu items could be a major stumbling block for someone in recovery or someone at risk of developing obsessively controlled eating habits. This legislation proposes to be for everyone’s good, but is it compassionate?”

One person replied to my comment, patronizingly and dismissively. She said eating disorders “are way more complicated than that; calorie counts wouldn’t make a difference”, she stated.

I am, however, keenly aware of how complicated eating disorders can be and it is for this very reason that I am concerned about this legislation. I want to be as sensitive and thoughtful as possible towards those who are struggling because I know, from my own journey of recovery, that triggers lurk around every corner. Yes, those triggers are different for everyone, but decades of research has shown us that “calorie counting” is a major contributing and maintaining factor in many eating disorder cases. And, as we already know, the numbers of people experiencing eating disorders are only growing. So my question is: what will our next generation of at-risk young people do when they see those numbers?

[dt_quote type="pullquote" layout="right" font_size="big" animation="none" size="4"]So my question is: what will our next generation of at-risk young people do when they see those numbers?[/dt_quote]

My guess is: they’ll start keeping track. They’ll change their minds about what they want to order; they’ll decide they didn’t “feel” like having that particular food anyway. They’ll store away the information about what they had for lunch and it will have a direct impact on what they choose for dinner. The numbers of one day—i.e. the failure or success of a particular day—will then influence the choices of the next day. And the next. Until the cycle is firmly established and those “innocent” numbers inform every decision they make.

For me, an eating disorder was a prison and the numbers were my jailers. If I saw the nutritional information on a package of food, I instantly rejected it, regardless of what it said. I couldn’t eat something if I knew “how many” calories? were lurking within. As I recovered, I made sure all the packages in my cupboards were turned so that the nutritional information was facing away from me. When my mother sent me care packages at university, she would scratch out the label with black permanent marker. (I loved her for doing that—it was a kind of freedom.) These days, I am thankful for every calorie in my food, as it provides the energy I need to live, love, work, and play.

But perhaps I am wrong for feeling this way. When I tried to find academic research on the issue, I located only three relevant articles and all three agreed: calorie labels had no adverse affect on a control group of people with symptoms of disordered eating. However, when I Googled the same question, I discovered that there were others who felt the same as I did; in fact, in December, one proactive young woman from Ontario started an online petition in the hopes of repealing the legislation that made calorie labels compulsory. I applaud her.

I recognize that I am sensitive and biased to this issue. But I can’t help but be saddened by our society’s seeming inability to simply enjoy food and respect our bodies’ needs. We don’t know how to “relax” when it comes to eating; that strikes me as tragic, indeed. I do not pretend to have the answer, but I do believe that calorie labels—the supposed need for them and the multiple problems surrounding them—are just one more symptom of a disordered culture in which people, of all sizes, are deeply hurting.

For more information, visit CBC News

The following articles were referenced:

Lillico, H., & Hammond, D. (2013). Calorie labels on menus: The effect on people with eating disturbances. Journal Of Nutrition Education & Behavior,

Lillico, H. G., Hanning, R., Findlay, S., & Hammond, D. (2015). The effects of calorie labels on those at high-risk of eating pathologies: A pre-post intervention study in a university cafeteria. Public Health 

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Jordi Sutton is a counsellor-in-the-making, currently based in southwest Saskatchewan. She’s passionate about helping people stand up to eating disorders and reclaim their lives. She’s also kind of passionate about her two-year-old son, who is teaching her what it means to be ridiculously joyful and brilliantly unashamed.

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Dr. Meris Williams: The Psychologist, The Advocate, Our Scholarship Honoree

By Katalina Bernards & Nicole Keay

As a community of compassionate people dedicated to a world without eating disorders, we understand the impact of empowering those who are breaking through to the other side of this illness. Each year, the Looking Glass Foundation awards $15,000 in scholarships to BC students who have received treatment, or are currently receiving treatment, for an eating disorder. Our three categories of scholarship underscore three strengths in overcoming an eating disorder: Persevere; Pursue Your Passion; and Rise Above.

The significance of our Rise Above Scholarship is twofold. Not only is it awarded to a student who is making a difference through community service and leadership, but it also recognizes individuals within our own Looking Glass community who consistently model those same attributes. This year, the Looking Glass Foundation is thrilled to name the 2017 Rise Above Scholarship in honour of Dr. Meris Williams, who has served as a counselling psychologist at the Looking Glass Residence in Vancouver (formerly the Woodstone Residence on Galiano Island) and as the featured clinician for our “Ask an Expert” service.

We sat down with Meris at her Vancouver office last week to learn more about her extraordinary career, and to hear about her own personal connection to the Looking Glass.

What inspired you to begin working with the eating disorder population?
Oh boy, I’ve thought long and hard about how to answer this question! Over the years, I've answered that question differently depending on the context. But, I personally had an eating disorder. And that’s not something I have ever disclosed publicly.

Wow. So, this is something you've held back for a long time?

Yeah. We don’t really know what the research has to say about the impact of a therapist disclosing an eating disorder, so that was a really big reason why I held back. And another big reason is just stigma. What my fellow professionals in the field might think. I’ve been thinking a lot about Marsha Linehan –she’s a psychologist in the US, and the originator of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy – I think it was in 2011 when she came out about her own mental illness and she said, “I will no longer be silent.” I just think it was really powerful. And I’m kinda done with keeping it under wraps. So! That is why I got into this field. And it was because I really didn’t want anyone to have to go through what I went through. If I could support somebody, or protect people from the hell that I lived through, then that would make a life worth living, and a career worth having

[dt_quote type="pullquote" layout="left" font_size="big" animation="none" size="4"]I really didn’t want anyone to have to go through what I went through. If I could support somebody, or protect people from the hell that I lived through, then that would make a life worth living, and a career worth having.[/dt_quote]

Tell us about your early advocacy work in the 1990s.
When I was 25-ish, I was sort of in the recovery process at that point, so it was a natural fit for me to want to volunteer with eating disorder advocacy organizations. I lived in Victoria, and I volunteered with the BC Eating Disorders Association. We did outreach to schools, we learned how to do peer counseling, we were involved in protesting the sociocultural aspects of eating disorders, so that was a pretty formative experience. I did that for about two years, and then I moved to Vancouver. I became the Administrator and Volunteer Coordinator at ANAD - Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. We changed the acronym to stand for Awareness and Networking Around Disordered eating, and then it became Jessie’s Hope, and then Jessie’s Legacy. I was there for three or four years, and we ran a bunch of different programs... Oh! We did this amazing project – we collaborated with artists on something called The House of Mirrors. Artists in the community volunteered with people who had eating disorders, and it became this traveling art project that went all around BC. I don’t know where those pieces are, but there is one that I would surely love to have in my home!

Did that advocacy work help you in your recovery?
I think so. There was processing happening, integrating, “What has this been for me? What is the meaning of this? Why did this happen to me, why did I land on this eating disorder?” So yes, I would agree it was actually a really important part of my recovery.

Did you know early on that counseling psychology was your chosen career path, or did you have other aspirations?
I was interested in psychology pretty much from the get-go in university. I remember taking Psych 100 at U of T, there were, like, 1500 people in my class, in a big amphitheatre. It was a pretty overwhelming experience. I didn’t do very well in the class, but I really, really liked it.  I knew that I wanted to be a psychologist. Psychology was my jam.

What first connected you with the Looking Glass Foundation?
When I was doing my Master’s practicum at BC Children’s Hospital eating disorders program, I ran into the three founding moms. I remember the warmth from these mothers towards me. So there was a connection from way back then. I followed what they were doing over the following decade, and I was just blown away by what they accomplished. Just as I was close to finishing my PhD, I learned they were creating a residence on Galiano, and I was like, “It’s a sign!” So I applied, and started working there right from the get-go. I was there for a year and a half, and then the commute became too much. I went into outpatient eating disorders treatment work at the Fraser South Eating Disorders Program, and then I just needed a breath of fresh air, so a friend hired me doing something completely different – I worked with injuries and returning to work through Orion Health for a year. Then I heard that Woodstone was moving here to become the Looking Glass Residence [in Vancouver], and I was like, “It is unfinished! I must reapply!” And so I did, and I got that job, and I was there for two years. During that time, Deborah Grimm approached me about doing the “Ask an Expert” column and so I did that for two years as well.

Let’s shift gears a bit and dive into your work as a psychologist. Could you share some of the moments in your career that have had a lasting impact on you?
I think what excites me the most, and what is most moving to witness, is when somebody begins believing that they can survive this world, that they can tolerate really painful things, without needing to rely on the eating disorder. There are a couple of people in my practice whom I have seen for a long time, and they’re just now surprising themselves.[dt_quote type="pullquote" layout="left" font_size="big" animation="none" size="4"]And it’s the most delightful, wonderful experience to be with somebody, to accompany them, to witness the recovery process – which is so often slow and incremental. It’s glorious! That’s why I do this work.[/dt_quote]

We’ve talked about Meris the Psychologist, and Meris the Advocate, What can you tell us about the everyday Meris?
Well, I can say that I am utterly recovered. I know people that utterly recover from eating disorders. Now, are there days when I don’t like my body so much? Yeah, there are. But these are vestiges of old neural networks, and this is to be expected. That’s actually part of what came out of my doctoral research, which looked at therapists who themselves had eating disorders, who were then working in eating disorder treatment. So in my personal life, I’m a recovered person, but continuing on with my healing. We all have trauma. [Pause] So… what else? [laughing] I have cats, probably a few too many… I love to dance, I love Zumba, and I recently took up adult ballet – I’m really enjoying the music and the grace. What else? I have a wonderful, wonderful partner. He’s just someone who supports me to be the best that I can be, and loves my intelligence, and is so proud of me. And our relationship, too, has been such a foundational part of me being able to come to love myself, to appreciate myself, to value myself… I also continue to open myself to new experiences. Because life is short, but wide, and I really only have maybe another 40 years, so there are a lot of things that I want to do and see.

How does it feel today to be named the 2017 Looking Glass Rise Above Scholarship honoree?
I was flabbergasted and delighted when I got the email! I was so moved, so honoured, so privileged, so excited! I was texting and emailing all my friends and colleagues, and my partner, and everyone has been like, “What? That’s so cool! Who has a scholarship named after them?!?” So I’m just really appreciative of being recognized for the work that I’ve done and the hours that I’ve volunteered, and the effort that I’ve made to try to make a difference. It feels really good.

What message would you like to give to this year’s scholarship applicants as they begin this new chapter in their lives?
I would like to encourage them to be as kind as they can to themselves in this process. And that means acknowledging how hard it is, and to really give themselves credit for having been resourceful enough to land on an eating disorder to help them get through whatever it is that they needed to get through. Eating disorders are multifactorial, we know that, but there’s a resourcefulness in people when they first develop an eating disorder – it presents a solution. And then the eating disorder starts getting in the way of the life that they would like to have. So if they can hold that together with self-compassion, and just to try to remain hopeful, because it is possible for so many people to recover. I would really love the scholarship recipients to try to remember to be kind to themselves. Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things that a person can do. And it’s not an easy choice – in fact, in some ways it can be the harder choice.

[dt_quote type="pullquote" layout="left" font_size="big" animation="none" size="4"]I would really love the scholarship recipients to try to remember to be kind to themselves. Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things that a person can do. [/dt_quote]

A big thank you to Meris for her openness. There is so much power in sharing our stories, in having a dialogue that challenges the stigma and shame. Her story will have an impact on many who struggle, not just with eating disorders, but with whether or not they should come forward. And in speaking about that innate resourcefulness eating disorder sufferers have, Meris has highlighted a critical and thought-provoking aspect of this disease, one we look forward to fleshing out further in a future blog post.
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When The Mirror & Reality Don't Match

By Sara Cohen

At the height of my eating disorder, what I saw in the mirror and what I actually looked like were two very different images. There are not many pictures of me that reflect how sick I was around this time. This is partly due to the fact that pictures back then were taken on film and had to be developed, so there were far fewer pictures taken in general. It is also partly due to the fact that I avoided the camera like the plague. The few pictures I do have show a thin version of me, wearing several layers of clothes to keep me warm and hide my frail body, but they do not accurately convey the reality of what was happening to me at the time. I look at those pictures now and can see that I was too thin. I distinctly remember though that how I saw myself back then, the reflection in the mirror, was vastly different than reality. I learned while I was hospitalized that this is called body dysmorphia and that my mind was “playing tricks” on me. What I saw in the mirror was an overweight unattractive girl, and no matter how thin I got or how many people told me otherwise, that image did not change.

I have worked diligently over the past two decades to get to the other side of my eating disorder…to get to the side where I am moving closer to recovered rather than circling around eating disorder behaviours. Much of the “work” is no longer work, it comes easily and requires only a little mental energy, and I am extremely grateful and proud that I can say that. I have accrued a great amount of insight into my emotions, into what drives my behaviour, and what motivates me to keep on the recovery path.

Frustratingly, the body dysmorphia continues to rear its ugly head far more often than I would like. It is not constant…it does not affect me every day for weeks, months, years on end like it used to. It comes up at the times when I am most stressed, most tired, and most vulnerable. It’s like an unwanted house guest that invades your space for an entire day. I feel like my clothes don’t fit right, even though they do. My face looks puffy from every angle, even though it doesn’t. Every picture I take with my kids gets deleted because everything about how I look is wrong. I feel overly full even if I have taken only the smallest bite of food. All of these feelings are painfully real and upsetting and impossible to explain to someone who has never experienced it. I have heard “well, it’s obviously not reality so just stop feeling that way” too many times to count. So I sit with the dysmorphic feelings quietly, talk myself through them, and busy myself until they go away.

I have managed this way pretty well so far. I can sense when it’s there, when I am feeling like the self I see in the mirror does not match reality. I recognize when nothing looks right, nothing fits right, everything about me is not right. I have frequent conversations with myself…”this will pass, you won’t feel this way forever, get through this and you will be that much stronger…” and I do get through it. These pep-talks have become automatic and are, thankfully, effective.

I recently struggled through one of the longest bouts of dysmorphic body image I have had in a long time. My youngest son was hospitalized unexpectedly, the holidays were happening, and it was rainy and dreary outside…the perfect storm for feeling out of sorts. I was not surprised when I looked in the mirror one morning and hated what I saw. I knew logically that I could not be ten pounds heavier overnight. I had talks with myself, reminding the logical part of me that this was truly all in my head. Rather than passing in a day or two, it lasted for almost two weeks. I started to wonder if it would ever end. The talks were no longer working and I felt like I needed to find a scale and see what the number was…a feeling I have not had in many years. I could feel my strong voice of reason give way to the voice that told me to eat less and go for longer runs and worry about the fact that my clothes did not fit. I worried that how I was feeling was reality, and not a distortion.

This was an exhausting and frustrating argument to have with myself on top of the stress of helping my son recover from surgery. I cannot say for sure what ended it, but seemingly as quickly as I was in the throes of fighting with myself, I woke up one morning feeling and looking like the “real” me. The fact that this is a struggle only I can see and feel, makes it hard to express to others what it is like. I find comfort in knowing that the years of therapy and hard work have given me the internal voice and emotional intelligence to power through to the other side. These experiences though are emotional and taxing. Having a distorted body image is one part of my eating disorder that I cannot seem to shake for good. It is the one thing that pops up regularly enough that I cannot forget about having been anorexic and bulimic.

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Sara is a neonatal nurse, with a master's degree in nursing education. She lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (US) with her husband, 2 young boys, and 2 dogs. She openly speaks about her recovery from anorexia and bulimia with the hope that she can be a positive influence to anyone who needs it. Her passions include her kids, distance running, reading, turtles, and all things purple.

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Dr. Ellen Domm, R.Psych, CEDS
Registered Psychologist
Certified Eating Disorder Specialist
email: ellen@drdomm.com
phone: 778-881-3979
www.drdomm.com

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Advice by Kaela: Is Binge Eating Really An Eating Disorder?

By Kaela Scott

Q: I struggle with Binge Eating but everyone just keeps telling me it’s about willpower. Is Binge Eating really an Eating Disorder?

A: There are many tragic experiences that people who struggle with eating disorders experience and this is one of them. Often, when we see people bingeing, especially if they struggle with their weight as a result, it is assumed that their struggle is due to the individual lacking restraint and that the pain that’s caused is self-inflicted. Typically individuals who struggle with binge eating disorder feel as though they aren’t entitled to their seat at the eating disorder table. For those of you in this position I want to assure you, you are.

So what is a binge eating disorder? BED involves:

• Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:
  -eating, in a discrete period of time (for example, within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances
  -a sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (for example, a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)

• The binge-eating episodes are associated with three (or more) of the following:
  -eating much more rapidly than normal
  -eating until feeling uncomfortably full
  -eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry
  -eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating
  -feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterwards

• Marked distress regarding binge eating is present.
• The binge eating occurs, on average, at least once a week for three months.
• The binge eating is not associated with the recurrent use of inappropriate compensatory behaviour (for example, purging) and does not occur exclusively during the course of Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, or Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.

Just as with anorexia, bulimia or any other eating disorder, this eating disorder causes significant pain and interferes with one’s ability to engage in their life as they would like. When someone struggles with binge eating disorder their relationships are impacted, they socially isolate, and the individual has a destructive relationship with self. If you are struggling with this eating disorder I strongly recommend that you give yourself permission to reach out and ask for support. I know it can be challenging to fight for your recovery when it feels like others don’t understand the severity of your pain. Your struggle is just as important and just as concerning as anyone else’s disorder and you deserve to receive support so you can invest safely in your recovery journey and get to the other side.

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Kaela Scott is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in Eating Disorders. She runs her own private practice and works with the Looking Glass Foundation in both their summer camp and their Hand In Hand Program. She has been passionate about working with eating disorders since freeing herself from her own struggle and realizing what it is like to be happy and well. When she isn’t working, you can find Kaela either cozying up with a cup of tea and her friends or up in the mountains going for a hike. 

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