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By Kaela Scott
Question: What are ways that I can assist my child with meal support during his/her recovery?
Answer: Support tends to look different for everyone and what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. Even in my practice, one of my recommendations can cause someone to turn a major corner in their journey to recovery and that same recommendation may fall completely flat on the next person who walks through my door. This could not be more true when it comes to meal support. So what I would recommend is that you go straight to the source and get suggestions from your child. Ask her what it is she feels she needs to make mealtime easier for her. Does she need lots of conversation or to eat on her own? Does she do better with distractions or is it healthier for her to focus on what is in front of her? Does she want people to talk about food, or avoid the topic all together? Your child will be the expert on what is helpful. She may struggle to actually get through the meal but what she finds helpful only she will know.
Often when parents try to ask their children these questions they get faced with resistance and either a disinterest or flat out refusal to talk about it altogether. If this is the case, I would recommend that you encourage your child to engage in her recovery journey by saying something like this:
“I know that your eating disorder is really challenging for you and that some days it can feel really overwhelming. I don’t want to add to the challenges and anxiety by supporting you in a way that is more hurtful than helpful. As a family, our focus is your recovery and I would really appreciate it if you could take some time to think about what I/We can do to help make mealtime easier for you. I trust that you know best and we are willing to change things around to make mealtime more manageable. If you don’t know right now, that is okay, but I will check back in with you in a few days so that we can be on the same page.”
It is your responsibility to keep checking in until you get some answers. Your child may not know off the top of her head and she may not want to give you the answers even if she does know. In this case, let her know that you will plan meal time based on what you believe is best and she can clarify what does and doesn’t work for her. She doesn’t have to have all the answers, but allowing her to not participate in her own healing journey gives the eating disorder more room to run the show.
Be aware that you may have to change how mealtime typically looks. If you are used to sitting around a table together and she finds this particularly challenging, you may have to adjust some things to make it easier. As she gets better you can work on adjusting things back to what you feel aligns with your family values about sharing meals together.
Mealtime is often a very challenging and triggering time for someone who is working on recovering from an eating disorder. Talking about what your child needs will bring you and her closer to tackling the disorder in a way that may be uncomfortable but that is still manageable. Let your child know that you trust her to make healthy decisions and that you want her to guide you because she knows what works best. Remember to never align with the eating disorder (she can’t miss meal time, or only choose to eat eating disorder safe foods) but do give her the freedom to act on her own behalf and ask for what she needs. Mealtime is tricky for everyone involved. Listen to your child and the boundaries she sets so that she can be successful.
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Kaela Scott is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in Eating Disorders. She runs her own private practice and works with the Looking Glass Foundation in both their summer camp and their Hand In Hand Program. She has been passionate about working with eating disorders since freeing herself from her own struggle and realizing what it is like to be happy and well. When she isn’t working, you can find Kaela either cozying up with a cup of tea and her friends or up in the mountains going for a hike.
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By Susanne Carlson
Last August, I experienced my first foray into the Looking Glass Summer Camp. This past August, I was lucky enough to attend a second time. Both years I got asked a lot of questions following the week at Camp. Friends and family were eager and excited to hear about the time I had. Last year, I tried to explain in detail how incredible Camp was and why. Somehow though, after these interactions, I felt some of the magic of Camp leave me, like I had somehow explained it away. Not wanting to repeat that experience this year, when asked how Camp had been, I would pause, feel my body ground into the earth, a solidity and peace washing over my body, a smile passing over my lips, and would say, “It was wonderful”. Summer Camp is a wonderful place, that’s all there is to it. Upon first arriving, as you breath in your first breath of fresh lake air, you feel home. Even if you have never been before, there is a welcoming, a sense that something special is about to unfold. You ask yourself, “What IS this place?”
In the same spirit of my response to family and friends this year, I would like to convey what the Summer Camp experience has been like for myself in a way that is more broad in nature than specific. I hope that in doing this, I will also speak to the experiences of the other staff, volunteers and Campers.
First and foremost, Camp is a place of calm and safety. Amidst all of the activities and all of the bustle, at the center of it all is an overwhelming permission to let go of the life that exists outside of Camp and to arrive in a full and present way. As the week carries on, there is a comfort and stability you begin to feel within yourself and within the amazing group of women that you are sharing time and space with. I don’t know where else this happens in such a profound way. Acceptance, love and honesty, these are all things that are valued and practiced at Camp, and in the most genuine ways possible.
Camp is also a place of vulnerability. A lot is asked of Campers when they come to Camp. They are being asked to put the eating disorder on the bench for a week, to try a different way of living. In realizing the enormity of bravery that is required to take on such a task, staff and volunteers often jump way outside their comfort zones during this week as well. The result is a group of very courageous, very vulnerable individuals, sharing in the experience of uncertainty and fear, but also in the experience of triumph and a feeling of “Holy smokes, look what I can do!”
Last, but certainly not least, Camp is a place of fun and bliss. There are some very special individuals on staff who bring an enthusiasm and joy to Camp that is absolutely contagious and this energy is what brings Camp to life from the very first day. Soon though, as the week goes on, Campers start to surprise the group with one liners that leave you in fits of laughter, with talents that leave you awestruck and with personalities and quirks that fill up your heart and soul. By the end of the week, all you have to do is look someone in the eye and you can see your own breadth of emotions mirrored back at you.
There is a shiny eyed, open hearted, grounded, strong and incredible spirit that exists inside each and every person that leaves Camp. Whenever I start to feel self-judgment or doubt creeping in, whenever I start to wonder about my worth or value or my place in this world, I think of Camp. This year in particular, I pick up my Apache tear (one of those things you just can’t explain) and give it a squeeze and know that the thoughts and hearts of every other person at Camp is still with me and that the same person that left Camp is still there too.
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Susanne is constantly striving to grow as a person and to move forward with life after her experience of living with an eating disorder and anxiety.
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By Kat Bernards
I’ve been on the other side of my eating disorder for a few years now, but some of the insights and realizations I have gained about why I struggled with anorexia for so long are only just beginning to become clear. Fortunately, my understanding of how and why I am able to stay strong in recovery is also increasingly apparent to me. I’d like to share with you three key lessons that I have been able to internalize and master through my recovery process, that keep me healthy, positive, and resilient in times of stress.
I’ve learned to practice what I preach. I was chatting with a colleague about this particular piece of recovery earlier today. So many of us are able to offer love, support, and body acceptance to the people around us, while denying ourselves the same courtesy.
All through my adolescence and young adulthood, I was there for my friends when they worried about body image; your weight is not your worth, I’d say to them. Why would you want to want to look like someone else? Kate Moss is the only person who looks just like Kate Moss; you’re the only person who looks just like you… You are so much more than just your body.
These were not lies. I believed them then and I believe them now. But what I failed to accept was that I should extend the same care, the same compassion, the same reality-based expectations and body celebrations, to myself. I held myself to a completely different standard than the one I encouraged my friends to follow, because I was different. I was stronger, I told myself; I could handle it. I wouldn’t push it too far. I would do what was necessary to make myself fit within the narrow, impossible standard that I had created for myself. Then I’d be happy. Then I’d feel loved. Then I’d feel good about myself.
These, of course, were lies. They were lies then, and they are lies now. But today, I know better than to listen to them, or to let them make decisions for me. Today, I feel loved, I feel good about myself and I take pride in my recovered self.
A friend once suggested to me that I try to gain ten pounds instead of lose ten pounds, in an effort to explain to me that if I gained ten, it would barely register on my thin frame, whereas if I were to lose ten, it could push me well past the point of undernourished. I was horrified at the very thought; how could she possibly think that I would intentionally gain weight? It was unfathomable to me at the time.
Well, eventually I did gain those ten pounds, and I certainly don’t feel bad about it. I needed them, badly. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I had a deeply rooted fear of fat. I have always had a tall, lean figure, without a lot of body fat, but I was afraid that one day the fat would come for me, and I would have to fight it off. Today, I spend my energy fighting off the myths and messages that cause so many young people to fear fat in the first place.
Once again, I was chatting with this very issue earlier today with a colleague. We found ourselves getting so frustrated by the continued perpetuation of body/weight stereotypes, but at the same time we could see the way our former selves used to think that they actually mattered- at least, when it came to our own bodies.
The truth, of course, is that bodies are bodies. They do amazing things, no matter what their shape or size. The “petite” section of a clothing store is not a thing to aspire to any more than the “plus size” section is a place to fear. These labels have no place in a healthy, intelligent, happy society. It is so obvious to me today that sizes have nothing to do with ability or value, but this message was reinforced so strongly in the world around me that it really did take me half my life to recognize its ridiculousness. There was a time when I would buy clothes a size too small as a way to “inspire” my disorder to fit the standard of a supermodel. Today, I know that I would way rather be a superhero- and put a stop to the spread of disordered eating in our society.
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Kat recently graduated from Simon Fraser University with a degree in Psychology, and is thrilled to have joined the Looking Glass Foundation staff. She loves live music, theatre, writing, and singing when no one is listening.
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By Kaela Scott
Question: Thanksgiving is coming up and I am anxious about how to navigate the meal time with me family. Any suggestions?
Answer: The holidays are always a challenging time when you struggle with an eating disorder. Food is often the main focus of Thanksgiving, which makes the whole weekend feel overwhelming. If your family knows you struggle here are a few tips that I recommend to make the weekend one that you’re thankful for:
If, on the other hand, your family doesn’t know about your eating disorder, here are a few tips to survive the weekend:
Getting through holiday weekends can be challenging, but there are things you can do to make it more manageable. Try implementing these tips above and see how it goes. Remember, you are stronger than you think and this Thanksgiving is an opportunity to lean into your healthy side.
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Kaela Scott is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in Eating Disorders. She runs her own private practice and works with the Looking Glass Foundation in both their summer camp and their Hand In Hand Program. She has been passionate about working with eating disorders since freeing herself from her own struggle and realizing what it is like to be happy and well. When she isn’t working, you can find Kaela either cozying up with a cup of tea and her friends or up in the mountains going for a hike.
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By Ljudmila Petrovic
At this year’s Emmys, one of host Jimmy Kimmel’s big jokes was to hand out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to the audience. Sounds great, right? Except that it was accompanied with a quick quip, "I know these award shows are long and you haven't eaten since Labor Day." The joke being that it is common knowledge that celebrities do not eat. Even if we look past the dangerous misconception of how eating disorders operate (i.e. the idea that re-feeding along will solve what is a complex psychological, physical, and emotional disorder), even if we forgive Kimmel’s delivery, jokes like this are cheap and unoriginal.
This does not mean that humour is inherently off limits. There is a number of examples of how humour can be used for empowerment and recovery: there is comedian Margaret Cho, who has used her stand up comedy as a platform to discuss a myriad of issues, including her past eating disorder; there is Stand Up for Mental Health, a program that uses stand up comedy as a format for people to openly discuss their mental health struggles. The crucial difference, however, is who is controlling the narrative. Is it an individual taking back their life and making a conscious decision to use humour as a tool? Or is it Jimmy Kimmel using a cheap and uneducated trope to get ratings?
When experiences such as mental illness and eating disorders become the constant brunt of the joke to a point where it is normalized and even considered a tired trope, it sends a message. On a surface level, the joke may be about celebrities in Hollywood, but it is really trivializing the intense scrutiny and pressure that these individuals face, and the distressful impact that disordered eating has on their lives—not to mention the unrealistic and dangerous body expectations that trickle down to those of us who consume this media. On a greater scale than that, it also sends the message to viewers that may be struggling with disordered eating that their experiences can easily be dismissed as something that everybody does, that is so commonplace, that it can be lightly chuckled at. But the reality is, eating disorders are dangerous, they are deadly, they destroy lives. Even for those individuals who manage to recover and lead healthy lives, there can be lasting impacts—if not on their bodies, then in their memory, their psychological and emotional wiring.
Kimmel had a lot of power that came with hosting the Emmys. If he really wanted to make this joke, he could have used satire to challenge the industry and its unrealistic expectations. He could have used his platform to address our society’s preoccupation with looking a certain way, especially for young girls and women. Instead, the subjects of the joke were the exact people who are the most vulnerable. Individuals with eating disorders are already filled with shame and guilt, they are already isolated. Tropes like this send the message that these individuals and their struggles are the actual joke, and that is a dangerous statement to make.
Photo Cred: US Magazine
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Ljudmila graduated from SFU, where she studied psychology and gender studies. She lives in Vancouver, BC and is doing her MA in counselling psychology, with the goal of doing women-centred therapy.
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By Carolyn Digby
Navigating the road to recovery from an eating disorder is no easy path, never mind taking into account the world around us. Daily we are exposed to images that could be potentially triggering to someone who has experience within the realm of eating disorders, and no other industry is quite as rampant as the fitness and diet world.
If you have any sort of social media presence (be it Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or what have you), there is a "fitspiration" or “fitspo” trend; posts that are intended to inspire us in our fitness endeavours. These posts can come in a multitude of different themes, showcasing fitness transformations or inspirational quotes. "What is your excuse?" is often a common phrase used to motivate followers into whatever the fitness regime du jour may be. While the posts have good intentions behind them, they can often have the opposite effect and illicit feelings of guilt and shame rather than inspiration. They can often provoke feelings of not being good enough, and be contradictory to the mentality of recovery.
News articles can only add to this. It appears every time you turn on the news or open whatever website of your choice, you are inundated with headlines like "The top 10 foods for weight loss" or "5 exercises you can do to burn fat". The message is that these are things you need to be doing in order to take care of yourself, to achieve the "ideal" body image, and there is no other way.
Related to this fitness culture, I used to be involved with a company heavily involved within the industry; health and wellness was a core part of their brand image. There was a corporate culture that fostered an incredibly supportive environment of colleagues with their fitness goals, however it could become quite overwhelming at times. For someone who has recovered from an eating disorder and who struggled with over-exercising, being within this environment could be cumbersome as I had to actively keep my recovery in the front of my mind regularly. By no means is pursuing an active lifestyle necessarily bad; it's when it becomes an obsession which leads to a path of disordered behaviours or triggers mental anguish is when it becomes a problem. You can't take a "one size fits all" approach to fitness; everyone has their own preferences, time commitments, medical background, and priorities that take into account their ability to work out or be physically active.
Although I am fully recovered, I would be lying if I said this cultural mindset didn't bother me from time to time. As part of my recovery, I had to change my relationship with exercise and fitness to focus more on my overall mental health. Now, I exercise because it makes me feel good and only participate in activities I truly enjoy, rather than to achieve a specific physique or to maintain an unhealthy weight. But it took awhile to get there, and it took a fair amount of work given that we live in a world with relentless interest in diet and exercise.
Simply ignoring these messages so engrained in our culture can be difficult. To change an entire mentality surrounding fitness and exercise is not impossible, although it would take the effort of many and the course of time. So what can we do right now for ourselves? We may not be able to change other's behaviour, but we can certainly change the way we critically think and look at the fitness industry.
With social media and those fitspiration posts, the first thing to keep in mind is that they don't tell the full picture of what is truly going on for that specific person. I once heard the phrase "don't compare your backstage to someone's highlight reel", and that really resonated with me for a number of reasons. The people behind these social media accounts are just like you and me, with their own batch of insecurities and not so glamorous moments. Rarely do people post about the days spent on the couch on Netflix binges or spent running errands with no time for exercise. Remember that same person is also a person who leads a normal life, and that's totally okay!
For the endless news articles and headlines, it's important to remember they are written for those who are not suffering or recovering from an eating disorder; you are not the intended audience. It's usually blanket advice that doesn't necessary work for everyone and doesn't promote a balanced lifestyle, and it's truly meant for those who are in the right place medically and mentally to take it into account. Think of it in this simple way: let's say you don't like football. You are reading a news website, and an article about the BC Lions comes up. You scroll past it without clicking on it or reading it. Let's do the same thing with these weight loss articles; they aren't relevant to us!
Another important concept to note about the author or website of the article. Often, they are written or sponsored by a company who has a vested interest in the products or whatever offerings that are being touted, and the article is used as indirect advertising. Rarely do such articles appear that have no underlying business motivations behind it.
Lastly, if you are in an environment that pushes for constant fitness like I was (whatever it may be), it's up to you to ultimately decide what is best for you and what the best surroundings are for you to recover fully and maintain it. For me, I had to remember that their support was well intended, and at the end of the day it was my decision if I wanted it to effect me or not. You can be a bit selfish in this regard; if you have someone who is constantly intrusively pushing active endeavours, do you need them in your life? You need to value your own mental and physical well being above all; being in a supportive environment with those who understand and will not be pushy can do wonders.
At the end of the day, while we cannot get rid of every single trigger that exists in the environment, we can learn to live harmoniously within it. Small actions that we do for ourselves and as part of our own self care can not only ripple a small change within yourself, but can trickle out to the world around you.
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Carolyn went to the University of Victoria for psychology, and is currently working towards applying for a Master's degree in the same subject. She hopes to uncover what sociological and personality aspects contribute to the development of eating disorders. Otherwise, Carolyn loves writing, drawing, travelling the world, and of course, her handsome cat.
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By Kaela Scott
Question: My girlfriend is struggling with Anorexia and I just don’t know how to support her. Can you offer some advice for loved ones?
Answer: Having a loved one struggle with an eating disorder is an incredible challenge – not only do you feel like you have to witness their struggle but you too can end up feeling helpless to the disorder that is running your loved ones life (and therefore sometimes your own life as well).
The first thing that is important to know is that you can’t force someone to get well. What this means is that there isn’t one (or 10) magical things you can do that will convince your partner to focus on recovery. In the end, it is up to her to decide if she wants to and is ready to get well. In fact, trying to make her be well (whether that be by making her eat, trying to convince her to seek treatment etc) may actually cause her to turn towards her eating disorder even more. People turn to their eating disorder to escape their painful feelings, if we put pressure or expectations on our partner, more of these feelings are going to come up which means it may have the opposite effect.
So what do I recommend when you have a loved one who has an eating disorder?
Firstly, I would try to educate yourself on eating disorders as much as you can. Often we have our own beliefs about eating disorders and it is valuable to try to understand what it is your loved one is going through. After you have done your own reading up on eating disorders, I would encourage you to try to talk to your loved one about what they are going through and try to understand her eating disorder in particular. The purpose of this is to understand her - not fix her, not rescue her, just understand her.
Next, try to remember that this is a journey. Sometimes it will feel like two steps forward and one step back, other times it will feel like one step forward and two back, and still others will feel like you are staying still. This is all normal and part of the process. People don’t recover overnight so take the pressure off yourself and off your loved one too to be moving forward at a certain pace. How quickly you move through recovery is not an indicator of a successful recovery. Create a check in process where you touch base with your partner on a regular basis (around once a month or so) about what is going well and what struggles seem to be the most overwhelming at the moment. This not only decreases isolation (something that allows the eating disorder to thrive), but also creates an open and honest relationship which is important when someone is going through recovery.
Finally, start setting boundaries for yourself. Everyone has a limit, and it is important that you know your own. Your own self care has to take precedence so that you don’t completely exhaust yourself trying to take care of your loved one. If you feel it is needed, seek your own external support even if she won’t. This has an impact on you as well and your wellbeing matters just as much. So be sure to listen to what you need and prioritize that.
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Kaela Scott is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in Eating Disorders. She runs her own private practice and works with the Looking Glass Foundation in both their summer camp and their Hand In Hand Program. She has been passionate about working with eating disorders since freeing herself from her own struggle and realizing what it is like to be happy and well. When she isn’t working, you can find Kaela either cozying up with a cup of tea and her friends or up in the mountains going for a hike.
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By Kaela Scott
Question: Our child’s eating disorder affects our whole family. How do I ensure that it doesn’t take too much attention away from our other children?
Answer: Eating disorders are all consuming disorders and have an impact on everyone who is connected to the person suffering. The eating disorder demands a lot of time, energy and support from the family as a whole and can throw the family’s rhythm out of sync, leaving everyone feeling out of balance. Here are a few ideas of how best to support your whole family (including yourself) as you work through your child’s disorders.
Eating Disorders really do affect the family as a whole and even being concerned about how to make sure all family members are looked after during this difficult times means you are doing a great job.
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Kaela Scott is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who specializes in Eating Disorders. She runs her own private practice and works with the Looking Glass Foundation in both their summer camp and their Hand In Hand Program. She has been passionate about working with eating disorders since freeing herself from her own struggle and realizing what it is like to be happy and well. When she isn’t working, you can find Kaela either cozying up with a cup of tea and her friends or up in the mountains going for a hike.
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By Nicole Keay
In the depths of my eating disorder, I couldn’t imagine life without it. It was my lifeline, my constant companion. The first program I entered was on outpatient one at the request of my doctor and I reluctantly attended to make the people in my life happy. I said what I had to, to get through appointments and then I went home to my behaviours. My interest in recovering didn’t exist. 10 years later, with a deep desire to recover, I was still playing the same game. Attending appointments, crying about why nothing ever changed, and going home to my behaviours. My passive approach to recovery left me stuck, unable to move forward but too afraid to face the unknown.
As I attended different groups over the years I met many other sufferers. I watched, one by one as some had a complete shift of the mind that took them from passive to active recovery. It was the moment they got angry at their illness. It was the moment that everything would change.
After years of being stuck, I prayed for this moment to happen to me. I begged every inch of my body to find that motivation, that anger, that strength. I imaged what life would be like when it finally happened – all sunshine and roses. I could now dream of a life without my eating disorder.
Well that moment finally came. I had to recovery. I got angry, really angry and nothing was going to stand in my way. I could never go back.
I used to pretend I didn’t know what shifted. But the truth is, for years I had believed that if I were smarter, prettier, skinnier, if I had a better job or a boyfriend, I would be happy and if I was happy, I would recover. So here I was, with a promotion, with the new boyfriend, happy, yet I was spiraling backwards. Backed into a corner and fearing I would lose it all. In that fear, I found motivation.
The life I wanted to live was down a different path, and it couldn’t co-exist with my eating disorder. So I cut my exercise down, moved a ton of foods from my so-called “bad” list over to the “good”, and actually started enjoying them. I threw out my scale, I stopped counting calories, and I started working on liking my body. I paid for therapy and fought the support I felt I needed. I felt good, strong and inspired. I was doing everything I thought it took to actively be in recovery and life was just going to get better and better.
Sunshine and roses was so far from my reality. A new darkness set in pretty quick. My very own little storm cloud followed me wherever I went. I felt an incredible sadness that I couldn’t seem to control. I realize now that I was grieving. Grieving letting go of my eating disorder.
But why mourn something that had stolen so much from me over the years? I was a slave to it, ruled by a monster that called all the shots and controlled every aspect of my life. Yet, I was missing that monster, that cruel voice inside my head.
What was behind the sadness? What was it that I missed so much?
My eating disorder took up space. It filled my time and stole my focus. With it, I numbed the pain of not feeling good enough, worthy enough, deserving of love. It dulled the ache of not being successful enough, being in my early thirties and not married, no kids, in debt. Now, without it, I had to feel.
The feelings were overwhelming. I felt powerless to the emotions that flooded my mind. I was drowning in years of avoided pain and self-hatred. It would have been easy to run back to the monster but this was no longer an option. I had to fight back and I had to actually put into practice what I had learned in treatment over the years.
I forced myself to sit with the feelings, the discomfort. A yoga instructor once said in class “This is training for life”. We were 5 minutes into downward dog, my arms were shaking, blood rushing to my head. She was right; this was all a metaphor for the uncomfortable feelings and emotions we face on a daily basis. I had trained for this. So I sat with them and it was strange at first but eventually the feelings passed. By staying present, I allowed myself to cry, to experience anxiety, to feel my anger.
I pulled out my binders from various programs and I practice the tools I had learned. One that helped a lot was deconstructing my negative thought patterns. I explored the route of what was behind them. With every negative thought, I countered it with a positive.
I learned how to practice self-compassion. I spoke to myself the way I would speak to a loved one. I took the advice I gave to others and actually practiced it. I stopped beating myself up. Dr. Kristin Neff offers a great series of exercises on her website that are excellent in learning how to find compassion for yourself.
Recovering from my eating disorder is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It was also one of the best things I have ever done. We each take our own unique journey through recovery. Yours may not look anything like mine. But wherever your journey takes you, remember to allow yourself to feel and be present with whatever comes up. Whether it’s pain, discomfort or sadness, in the advice of my great grandfather – this too shall pass.
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Nicole is The Looking Glass Foundation's Communications Manager. Her passion for working with eating disorders comes from her own personal journey. By having authentic conversations and sharing our stories, Nicole believes that we can work to eliminate stigma by creating deeper awareness and understanding for eating disorders, and mental illness as a whole. She loves yoga, a great cup of coffee and spending time outdoors with friends and family.
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By Jordi Sutton
For the past ten months, I’ve been a counsellor-intern at a college counselling center. To say it was an “education” would be an understatement. Although I’d been attending the same institution as a postgrad student for a number of years, I wasn’t really engaged in student life. It was only once I started hearing the stories and struggles of my on-campus undergraduate clients that I gained terrific (sometimes terrifying) insight into what life outside of my office looked like.
It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with the dorm environment—quite the opposite, in fact. My first dorm experience was in high school, and that’s where my eating disorder started. Looking back on it, and hearing similar stories now, I realize that that kind of setting—an all girls’ dormitory—might be the perfect “soil” in which to grow the seeds (of perfectionism, disordered relationship patterns, and unhealthy behaviours) that were planted in childhood and adolescence. A girls’ dorm is like a greenhouse for eating disorders.
Where I work now is a small, rural, religious college, so the community is especially tight-knit—which can be both a good and a bad thing. The girls who share a dorm tend to feel responsible for one another, like they have to rescue each other, but also fiercely competitive; everyone has something to prove. It can be hard to establish an identity outside of the collective identity, or to counter the way one is automatically perceived by one’s peers. It can be hard to feel like one has any control, any space, and any autonomy. At the same time, some of the relationships that come out of this space are beautiful, deep, and healthy. But many of the women who enter college for the first time are not strong or independent; they are not prepared to take charge of their own identities. And being in a setting where they feel even more powerless and voiceless can be the spark that ignites a fire that—as anyone who has had an eating disorder knows—is soon blazing out of control.
University is, in general, a high-stress environment, something that high school rarely prepares us for. We move away from home, we take out gigantic student loans, we live with strangers, we study philosophy! Our parents expect us to do well, to “make them proud.” Our professors expect us to know things we don’t have a clue about. We begin imbibing ideas about the world and about humanity that threaten to break apart our previously black-and-white (and oh-so-comfortable) conception of reality. We change at an alarming rate. All in all, it’s frightening. Is it any wonder that students desperately seek ways of coping that don’t necessarily fit with their own values or goals?
The fact is, most women who start to restrict or purge don’t immediately adopt the identity of “anorexic” or “bulimic” or “disordered”—most of the women I’ve met who struggle with eating disorders are highly intelligent, self-aware people. They know that there is more to life than being thin, and that controlling food won’t ultimately provide the answers they are looking for. But it is an immediately available, and, yes, very effective, method of gaining some kind of power, some kind of tangible foothold in the chaos that is Selfhood at the moment.
These, in any case, are my observations. I have tried to walk with my clients through this dark time, to provide a place where they can be honest and angry and scared and paradoxical. They don’t often know what they want or who they are—or, if they do, they are not satisfied with those answers. I hear a profound sense of discontentment and disconnection even while they appear to be thriving and carefree. And often—and here is where my own fears and insecurities play out—I don’t know what to do or how to help. I so desperately want to have something to give these women and yet I know, from my own journey, that nothing I give will be sufficient. Ultimately, she has to find her answers in herself, not in someone else.
As a young bulimic woman, I found that private counselling did help; it gave me a voice. But what really helped was attending a therapeutic group. At the time, I was stumbling my way through an undergrad degree and it was my college counsellor who referred me. But the group wasn’t comprised only of students—there were women in their 20s (like me), and in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. And, even though I’d been dealing with an ED for years, it was the first time I heard the voices of people like me, people who understood my struggle. These people, like me, would walk out of that room and face the overwhelming challenge of dinner that evening. It was the first time I didn’t feel alone.
I’m not saying group therapy is the answer. It’s not for everyone—one of our members had to quit almost immediately because she wasn’t ready for it, wasn’t ready to speak openly about her intensely private shame. But it might be one option. Because we need options, don’t we? We need to talk about this, and we need to find new ways of helping. We need to understand from the inside out. We need your voice.
I say all this about my own experience not to discourage anyone who is embarking on the post-secondary journey—it’s a really exciting time, full of possibilities. I voice my concerns and ask my questions because I believe that acknowledging the problem is the first step to defeating it.
If you have any ideas about how college, or even high school, counsellors can help students struggling with disordered eating, would you be so kind as to let them know? Your perspective, and your experience, is the most valuable source of information we have. Be patient with us, the so-called “helpers,” because we’ll make a lot of mistakes. But please—tell us what we’re doing wrong (and maybe what we’re doing right) and, most importantly, what you need.
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Jordi Sutton is a counsellor-in-the-making, currently based in southwest Saskatchewan. She’s passionate about helping people stand up to eating disorders and reclaim their lives. She’s also kind of passionate about her two-year-old son, who is teaching her what it means to be ridiculously joyful and brilliantly unashamed.
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For residential treatment facility
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Looking Glass Residence:
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