Every story of recovery is as unique as the person it belongs to ... For me, I had to experience the process of un-learning before I could really begin to understand myself. When the #metoo movement began to take hold in 2016, I began to reflect deeply on the problem of misogyny in the context of my eating disorder.
As someone who has had an eating disorder, I know what it’s like to wake every day facing an internal battle. Throughout my recovery, I had many relapses. Early on, I would always tell myself: “this is the last time,” and I wouldn’t tell anyone what I was going through. I didn’t think anyone would understand, and I was afraid of being judged.
It's been nearly ten years since I recovered from my past eating disorder.
This fact hit me the other day and I must admit, it made me very proud of myself. Proud of the work I did in that time of my life to better my future. It's strange; I feel so far removed from that part of my life, and feel like I am a completely different person looking back on that experience. My life is far beyond what I imagined was possible when I was 18, and my past self would be amazed at where I am today; not because of anything specific I've done that has been truly incredible, more so that I'm a functioning, independent adult who enjoys life and has ambitions. Yet that time of my life was a huge part of my developmental years and it would be unreasonable to completely dismiss it, as it is a part of my identity.
Self-Love has been a major buzz topic that has come up over the past few years. The fact that there is so much attention being paid to this term signals that people are very interested in, and intrigued by, the idea of loving… ourselves?
A catalytic moment in my recovery was when I realized that I had been trying too hard to assimilate my present and future with my past. What does this mean?
As I am sitting here on an early Wednesday morning, one hand holding my coffee and the other tapping furiously away on the keyboard, I am reflecting on how my body feels in the current space it occupies...
I don’t have Netflix, so I haven’t seen “To the Bone,” the latest “anorexic drama” starring Lily Collins. I don’t think I want to; it looks stupid and stereotypical. But the pictures of Collins, pretty and pale-cheeked in her oversized hospital gown, her face perfectly made up …
I recall being in the fifth grade and wondering why I didn’t resemble the other girls in my class. I did, I was just under the impression that I didn’t. Who I was in my mirror and who I was in photos was not the same entity.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with my relationship with my body. For the past 23 years, I’ve been actively recovering from an eating disorder. In the past 5 years, I’ve finally felt like I was in a place where recovery wasn’t an active struggle. It isn’t that time finally caught up and I stopped caring about food or my body, or that the eating disorder magically disappeared. What happened is that I started running.
As we enter a new year, I breathe a sigh of relief and release. Last year I was saying “bring on 2017! I can’t wait for this year to be over”... Both 2016 and 2017 made me face many hard truths – truths about my relationship with my mind, my body and my relationships with others...