By Kassie C.
I have been in recovery without relapse for a year now, which is a huge accomplishment but also can make a slip feel detrimental.
I always used to say that I thrived in chaos, but now I need my life and mind to be more organized. I think thriving in chaos was what I said to mask the chaos I was feeling internally but on top of that, my lifestyle and career didn’t allow much room for consistency.
This has since changed and I am at a point now where I have a routine - and you know what, for me, this routine has been pivotal in my recovery. I am a strong, empathic version of myself. I allow grace in the messiness of life and growth. However, I am entering a stage of my life for the next eight months that is very busy. Part of me is trying to channel that person who thrived in chaos because I don’t have an area of my life I can slip in. However, this also scares me because who I was when I as this busy last time wasn’t a stable person. I have learnt a lot about myself in the last year, but I am afraid that I will fall back into old habits or the amount I need to fit into my routine will not allow me to uphold the standard I have held myself to give me this growth.
I am scared to lose this person.
I think it would be naive of me to say that being scared is a bad thing, because it means I am cautious and mindful with my mental health and my relationship with food. The impact food had over me was very influenced by my emotions and more so my need to avoid whatever that emotion was. When I started working to name what I was trying to avoid it made it easier to process or work on coping skills that shone light into that darkness - it allowed me to find myself. This is a lot easier now but sometimes it still feels like a fight to embrace this as a guiding light to keep me on this path and not a self-fulfilling prophecy that leads me astray.
I have been feeling off the last couple weeks and writing this out is something I haven’t voiced to other people, which puts a face to the internal struggle I am having now. I don’t know how this phase will play out but I do know the trust I’ve built in myself is something I’ll have to rely on.
Every part of recovery has its own challenges, but I think challenge in development is inevitable; although I can understand that these challenges are going to happen, predicting them is almost impossible until I’m dealing with them. Which takes away some of the predictably in my routine and where trusting myself becomes so important.
Finding the capacity to trust yourself in something that you may have felt little control over in the past is all about working on your ability to understand your emotions and coping mechanisms and accepting the unpredictability that comes with embracing change, and the doubts that often accompany it.
My name is Kassie C. I am in my late twenties and am trying to live what I preach - picking yourself first and that loving yourself really is the best medicine. It’s not always easy and it definitely is not always pretty but it’s real. I hope joining me on this journey will provide perspective, connection and solace. So, here’s to life because for good or bad we are all in it together :).
*Photo credits: Kassie C.